The dissociated brain

Have you ever felt
inside out?
Backwards and forth
like someone else.
Ever looked at him
and thought that is me
felt the utter horror
of not existing
replace all your thoughts
with what his could be?
Just have to shake it off
no point in listening
it’s just your fucking mind
not reality
but this won’t move aside
no it’s meant to be
can’t hold this in sight
I’ve let go of me.
All these symptoms collide
and his face takes over me
he’s just handing me my change
but I’ve become a he
if I don’t break this hold
I might end up in ward b-reality
it chokes on my brains news feed.
I cannot keep up with these
thoughts you see
reality is not something meant to be
it’s quite tiresome you see
I can go a long way just to breathe
but the scenery becomes a bit of paint
and every interaction is unsafe
I may walk away fighting your face
thoughts of living your life in your place-
my reality in space, no memories or piece
of who I might be.
Have you ever lived your life this way?
I have to be aware to stop the pain
exhausted though I am
I will remain.

tagged

I am ceramic
fragile and tragic
frozen in place
where you led me.
Statue of stone
bathed in this gold
I have no soul
can you save me?
I am ceramic
precious, fragile,
and sold.

Froth

Can you tell me how
how to steal this sound
take the voice so loud
and drown it out, out, out-
break the waves that cull the demons
sing the pleasure as you mean it
never wander far from home
unless you know not where you go
footsteps buried under snow
blackened feet and bloodied soul
know not where you ought to roam
foam at the mouth
know no moan
can you tell me how it’s done
or sell me back what I have won?

Dead name

Hush-don’t say that name
you have lost that person today
they don’t stand here-
we’re not the same.

Please-don’t say that name
it reminds me of my shame
I have grieved much more than you
you could never feel as I do.

Hush-don’t say that name
I lost everything today
you, you’re not the same
you bring up my deepest shame
you have placed me with the blame
I just cannot hear that name.

Please… don’t say that name
please don’t say I look the same
why am I so damn ashamed?
you ask questions to break my frame
literal-the words are violence
say that name it’s dead to my lips.

Hush! Don’t say that name
they have died, but I remain
you will love me just the same
replace them in your memory
with old thoughts of what you see
play along and don’t you grieve
the name is dead, but I’m still me.

Under sheets

All the clutter in my head
noiseless sound and day old bread
can’t get up no sight or ground
my feet touching skyward bound
I am falling up not down
my words seem to make it loud
mouth is shut-they still persists
these words all out of context.
All this clutter in my head
I’d need three of me to send
just enough to breathe again
get these thoughts out of my bed.

Puzzle pieces

And then it falls to pieces
like a puzzle in my head
the world a mirror around me
now shatters cutting red
I see only something-it’s name
I cannot place
for everything is broken, absurd
and out of date.
I can’t make the shadows
keep in their proper state
no reality can’t stay
everything again is clay
the mirror shatters then it breaks
snaps back into sight and space
puzzle pieces all in place
nothing shatters it’s just the same.

diagnosis accepted

I woke up in a world I’ve lost
closed my eyes now down is up
nothing is as what it seems
cloud of smoke and brain disease
mindlessness and stupidity
led by ego and delusional thinking
grandiose but un-diagnosed
at least not properly.

When I went to sleep,
when I laid my bed,
I knew the sky was blue
and blood not the color red
when I was sleeping- dreaming ever sound
my own diagnosis was settling
down, down, down, down, down
but eyes wide open-the world is flat
am I an animal, maybe a cat?

I woke up and the world turned wrong-blinked but once all logic has gone
but if this is healthy-what the fuck is normal?
If this world is stable-how am I diagnosable?

Take it in

Breaking, shaking
I’m alone
when the world starts
to unfold
this is heartache evermore
broken, shattered
on the floor
we once witnessed this before
mind at once and then it’s gone
feel the world from getting on
broken mirrors
mind forgot
she keeps breathing
on and on.

Under the tent

Everyone gather!
Everyone come near!
Prepare yourself greatly
for the circus is here!
They have elephants,
and lions and clowns-
get your tickets
for they will sell out!
Rides and attractions
for your selfish actions
candy and treats
and horrors that speak
the circus has everything
you’ll ever need.
Get lost in the rivers of
fun, blood and gore
forget the nights leanings
whatever they afford
ignore the screaming
you’re still in for something more
enter here the ringleader
now the madness has the floor.
Everyone come gather!
Everyone do cheer!
The circus has come to town
everyone get your tickets
the price a steal for now!