And now

I want to do so much
want to get it done
I want to finish up
but movement is not fun
my brain has crippled me
and now
now I’m so worn out
barely even write
I focus on eating
to survive
slowed down
and I’ve forgot
how I did so much
feeling so lost

Candy shop

Lollipops and cutters
dressed in white to smother
the symptoms of the others
falling down
tripping from the candy coated clouds
drinking all molasses as it drowns
choking down the sweet that doesn’t come
the tasty drink that promises the fun
the liquid that replaces all the suds
bubbles popping in the blood
rainbow floss and wedding bells
dirty laundry and sugar melt
everything in technicolor
cutting veins and eating suckers

Trapt inside the dying

Watching myself
wither away
should I give care
or throw to decay
wonder who would
and why they might matter
watching my body die-
I could be a bit sadder,
I could give care
or try to fight back
but when it keeps coming
it’s exhausting in fact
it can’t be so easy
or it wouldn’t be a problem
but I’m watching myself reach
reach further to the bottom
watching and crying
over something
I loved
if I could give a care
I might get up and run
find that safe place
and lock me away
but I’m watching me wither
my soul can’t escape.

My burden and yours

Let me be honest
I am a burden sometimes
when I have a freak out
it’s like living on ice
I’ve got some problems
that could give you your own
I know I am a burden
it is my life after all.
Let’s just be honest
my symptoms affect you
I may be suffering
but you’re human too,
you won’t say the words
so let me just speak them
I am a burden
the burden you choose
I may be difficult
but let’s not get confused
difficult isn’t unwanted
unneeded or unloved
when I say I’m a burden
it means I’m something
others would give up.
Let’s just be clear
you’re a burden too
think about your illness,
disability, and truth
you can be quite difficult
and many will be pained
nobody is infallible, perfect
or a saint
everywhere there’s someone
who wished they hadn’t met you
so don’t forget there’s burden
even when you’re feeling special.

24/7

Yes, I’m afraid
afraid of nearly everything
my heart it screams
naturally it’s haunting me
it aches and moans
I feel fear in my soul
it’s so much more
than just a panic-this is
full blown
I’m awake
but dreaming is a nightmare
just like life
my eyelids shut
but I don’t feel right
it’s not a dream, no this
this is reality
and I am terrified
of sights, and sounds
and movements
a child laughs
and I am horrified
irrational as it must seem
my mind it works in constant agony
I’m afraid of everything
even when I know
there’s no reason to be.

Cannot forget

I hear screams
and see visions
of things that are
beyond unpleasant
everyday my brain
is plagued
with nightmares
that bleed to day
I hear screams
and see visions
of trauma that I
cannot forget

Inside Lovato and the bad life coach

I am an artist,
an entrepreneur-
I’m creative
a fucking gift to the world.
I got ideas
and I show my tits on stage.
I feign authenticity
but make excuses out of pain.
I use my illness
and my addictions as a shield.
I use sobriety
as a theme to get a meal-
I am an artist
a philanthropist and more
I’ve got bipolar
and I wield it like a sword.
I’m not recovered
as that takes time and room to heal,
I am just a child
who doesn’t know what it means
to be real.
I’m just a celebrity,
adding titles to my name-
buying indulgences in vain,
and pretending mental illness is a game.
I am an artist
but that’s just an excuse
for being a child, for being rude
for being ill and relapsing too
I’m just too young to accept the truth,
it’s still my fault, but it’s also youth.

Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.

A few of my favorite things

Shake the cat out of the tree
break the child at the knee
poison the flowers and kill the bees
the truth is in destructions plea
come whatever, come what may
take the opening in grey
wade the chances and take the bribe
burn all the bridges, sell all your pride