tagged

I am ceramic
fragile and tragic
frozen in place
where you led me.
Statue of stone
bathed in this gold
I have no soul
can you save me?
I am ceramic
precious, fragile,
and sold.

Froth

Can you tell me how
how to steal this sound
take the voice so loud
and drown it out, out, out-
break the waves that cull the demons
sing the pleasure as you mean it
never wander far from home
unless you know not where you go
footsteps buried under snow
blackened feet and bloodied soul
know not where you ought to roam
foam at the mouth
know no moan
can you tell me how it’s done
or sell me back what I have won?

Dead name

Hush-don’t say that name
you have lost that person today
they don’t stand here-
we’re not the same.

Please-don’t say that name
it reminds me of my shame
I have grieved much more than you
you could never feel as I do.

Hush-don’t say that name
I lost everything today
you, you’re not the same
you bring up my deepest shame
you have placed me with the blame
I just cannot hear that name.

Please… don’t say that name
please don’t say I look the same
why am I so damn ashamed?
you ask questions to break my frame
literal-the words are violence
say that name it’s dead to my lips.

Hush! Don’t say that name
they have died, but I remain
you will love me just the same
replace them in your memory
with old thoughts of what you see
play along and don’t you grieve
the name is dead, but I’m still me.

on the shelf

Just a doll on a shelf
no use for nothing else
catch the dust
and sit real still
don’t know how I really feel.
Just a toy for their amusement
cannot refute just how I’m used
yet I’m impatient for real life
wish I knew more then to survive
just a doll upon the shelf
taking up space and nothing else
breaks the same as time will tell
no real voice just frills and lace
she sits quietly while in place
meaning nothing
taking grace
she cannot walk, speak, only take.

Morning light

And I awoke much colder
no warmth beside my bed
madness filled my cup
and fear overtook my head.
I awoke much older
than I came before
a child now a martyr
only living ever more.
Sleep for chance to dream
to live and share the glory
chance to pass the story on
no chance to heed the words.
And I awoke on a sunny night
lost my sanity
fear had taken my young voice
abandon the rest of me.
I now sleep with one eye open
cruelty my shield
at once they thought a saviour wanted
now they run from me
a monster comes from what they wanted
an older kind of fiend.
I awoke with eyes undaunted
they won’t forget to bleed.

Take it in

Breaking, shaking
I’m alone
when the world starts
to unfold
this is heartache evermore
broken, shattered
on the floor
we once witnessed this before
mind at once and then it’s gone
feel the world from getting on
broken mirrors
mind forgot
she keeps breathing
on and on.

The truth about recovery

Guess I’m still sick
presenting well my shtick
a coping skill near heaven sent
leaves me dissociated and bent
forgetting what my true feeling is.

Guess I’m still sick
when a child’s laughter turns into
cries for help
you hear children playing
I hear children being tortured and killed.

Guess I’m still sick
when visions of violence
never leave my head
is it still intrusive if these thoughts
stay ever present?

Guess I’m still sick
so broken I missed
the signs and symptoms of
unreal bliss
hoping to God I don’t lose my shit
or at least I would if I could think of it
dissociation is fun
until you realize this
you haven’t been living for too damn long.

Spring

Lilac flowers, silk soft skies,
milk in coffee
I’ve lost my mind
life on wires
feet soles bleed
pay no mind to the likes
of me
dropped on head-soft spot dead
outta my crib no signs of death
aged like wine burning and sweet
blend of reds
I’ll bath your feet
tired in cotton, candy dreams die-
congratulations on wedding vow lies
perfect happy endings
and fairytale leaves, orange tea leaf
blossoms and cyanide deeds.

story of me

Tell of all my longings
my love and my undoing.
Tell of all my failures
my rise within this ruin
never speak of roses
or of happy endings
seek to end this cycle of
ever after pretending.
Tell of all my glory and
how I lost my head-the story
never over
just retellings in my stead.
Tell of all my memories with your
voice and then
tell of all my longings-the delusions
in my head
tell me that I’m crazy
while I forget again-
tell of all my longings and all that is
my bed but never forget the ending
happier now than then.

Trans is beautiful

If you’re gonna do it-
do it right.
Turn that symptom into life-
don’t grieve that diagnosis-
just put that dress on tonight-
cause if you’re gonna do this shit-
do it right.
Don’t forget it’s a delusion but
embrace the brains solution
and turn that defect into movement!
Paint that face, move with grace,
perfect that bitchy kinda pout-
the most beautiful trans women
know this without a doubt:
that they are men but live in costume
knowing who they are
with or without you
and
that claiming you’re a real woman
simply makes you unstable.
The most beautiful trans women
do mental illness just right
looking like a dream
you’ve had most of your life.