The world lives too

Addicts
they live in the real world
the world doesn’t stop
everybody’s living
and addicts can’t get off
the planet keeps on turning
and nothing goes away
even though you’ve quit
the shelves will still remain
stocked and fully loaded
waiting to be purchased
and consumed
addicts have to live
continue to keep breathing
cannot touch a drop
or grab the substance
that they’re fiending
no they must keep on living
with everybody else
addicts have the problem
not everybody else
do not make excuses
let them live their lives as well
let them know existence
won’t change because of them
addicts must be stronger
and allow the world to turn
you are stronger than
the hunger and the thirst
can’t ask everybody
to give up what you did
they are not the addict
and you have to let them live
whether they’re your friend
husband or your child
they must be allowed
to live as they might want to
it may be a hard
a hard reality to swallow
but part of addiction recovery
is accepting the hard truth
that others don’t have the problems
the issues that you do
and the world will keep on turning
and the shelves will all be stocked
you cannot escape reality
you have to accept the truth
recovery is hard
because the world is living too

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When you ask them not to

Even if you tell them
they’ll never forget to say
You look so good,
so thin, so good-
you look so beautiful-
so damn good.
You’ve lost weight
but have you ate?
Before you answer
just let me say
you’ve never looked
so beautiful
you’ve never looked
so good at all.
You feel better-don’t you?
You feel good-now say it!
Say you feel better-
say you feel good-
don’t you feel healthier-
I knew that you would,
say that you feel good
say you feel better
say you feel great
no matter the case.
You’ve become thinner
so you must be safe
I asked you if you’d eaten
but you didn’t say
I look so good,
so fucking lovely,
didn’t I say
I’m anorexic, honey?

Nasty thing

All the trauma overcome
my battles won
but here’s the fun
true fear comes from
knowing love
owning something
you won’t give up
willingness to feel happy
safety is a nasty thing
comfortable and so it seems
until you dream the dying dream
fear of your own mortality
creeps upon your shoulders stay
yet you still remember the days
days when death would have been
so sweet
but knowing love has made you weak
fear the end and losing sleep
all because you have the dream.

Inside Lovato and the bad life coach

I am an artist,
an entrepreneur-
I’m creative
a fucking gift to the world.
I got ideas
and I show my tits on stage.
I feign authenticity
but make excuses out of pain.
I use my illness
and my addictions as a shield.
I use sobriety
as a theme to get a meal-
I am an artist
a philanthropist and more
I’ve got bipolar
and I wield it like a sword.
I’m not recovered
as that takes time and room to heal,
I am just a child
who doesn’t know what it means
to be real.
I’m just a celebrity,
adding titles to my name-
buying indulgences in vain,
and pretending mental illness is a game.
I am an artist
but that’s just an excuse
for being a child, for being rude
for being ill and relapsing too
I’m just too young to accept the truth,
it’s still my fault, but it’s also youth.

Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.

biology is physical

I am
a biological female
a true born spilt tale.
I am
not some kind of feeling
not a state of delusional thinking.
I am
whatever the fuck I say I am
masculine or feminine
I am woman
and I made peace with it.
I am
a biological female
born with a cunt
so I didn’t have to get one.
I am
also pretty crazy
been delusional-
gender dysphoric and maybe
even thinking I
I might not be a lady
but I am who I am
and trans ideology
can’t change me.

When hunger fades

Empty stomach cramps and sings
tells me all about dying
how it feels and where we’ll go
if and when starvation grows
food I need-I’m not recovered
yesterday I ate like normal
now my mouth is dry and closed
if it opens no one really knows
I can’t swallow hardly breathe
death plagues my thoughts
oh woe is me
dramatic to say I can’t eat
though honest to God I’m too weak
crying while I struggle to chew-can’t eat
empty stomach cramps and sings
looking at a full plate I’m dying
looking at a full plate mouth goes dry
looking at a full plate my stomach
goes quiet.

Purpose driven

Sometimes I panic
my world flattens
everything is up
in the air
nothing is certain
I’m guessing it’s worth it
but I’m not even sure
I am here
sometimes I panic
thinking about it
knowing I could lose
my home
but faith says to have it
take the pain and manage
to continue moving on
and know
sometimes in darkness
we fail into this-the distress
that unravels bones
but if you keep moving
watch the improving
the struggle is in keeping
the goal.

The many methods of living in recovery

Everybody is
a mental health expert
everybody does
psychologist grade work
everybody can
tell you how to cure it
just listen to Demi Lovato
she’s got the answers
let’s learn them!
Relapse is bad
not a reality of recovery
relapse is irresponsible,
yeah,
we all should’ve seen this coming
a huge step back in the rhetoric.
It’s not about the relapse but
what you do after it,
everybody falls
but can you pick up the pieces?
If Demi Lovato thinks
relapse is not okay
maybe she should rethink
Red Bull as a choice-mmkay?
Because energy drinks are bad
for individuals living with bipolar
they are akin to Meth when
symptoms begin to take over.
Everybody thinks
they are a role model
but relapse is a real thing
living in fear is hard to swallow
if it happens to you
you will still wake up tomorrow
recovery is what you do
even after you fall
strength is in the choice
to begin all over again
relapse is okay
as long as it’s not your end.