Long night

I needed time
you took too much
can’t recover from this stuff
everybody’s got opinions
I just want to burn the kitchen
break the plates and the knives
I just want to scream and fight
you took too much
and now I’m angry
you think that I am fucking scary
everything I get is mine
you got the dollars I got the time
waiting for the next installment
I don’t care what names they’re calling
I know what that fire felt like
you took too much
so let’s call it a long night

Too soon

Got me on a leash
problems I don’t need
advice I’ll never heed
please don’t take my sugar away
let me have a little taste
I just want a birthday cake
got me on a choke collar
leading me like a dog to water
cannot drink for fear of relapse
let me go the truth is unlatched
please don’t take my fruit and phone
leave me just the fuck alone
got me on a thin red line
cutting tight rope bleeds my thighs
I just want to walk alone
keep my freedom learn to grow
but you got me on a lead
a leash that chokes when I sleep
let me go but then you do
I don’t think I’ll wake too soon

Finding the taste

Tasty and yummy
it’s so delicious now
now that I can eat
eat without the sound
the sound of my mind
screaming not to eat
everything looks better
now that I can feed
no more thinking awful
when looking at a treat
I can pick up the fork now
and not really grieve
I don’t want to cry now
when I take a bite
I don’t think of vomiting
in the middle of the night
tasty and so yummy
now that I’ve found you
an interest in the process
of cooking up the food

Continue

I just wanna escape
don’t want to think too much
just wanna play all day
forget the junk I have to do
just want to get myself through
don’t know the truth
drive through the night
all in my mind
thinking too damn high
I’m just stuck
just wanna escape
I’m too tired to
I just want to get through
want it all to be done
so I can continue

Day by day

I’m not getting better
I just keep getting worse
here I am just tethered
to another verse
a song to sing so sweetly
that never goes away
it’s burrowed under skin
infected all my brain
I can’t keep from drowning
in the open air
I can’t keep from dying
I’m pulling out my hair
as everybody watches
enjoys the slow decay
I’m not getting better
just living day by day

Accept it’s over

How do you grow
how do you change
how do you find
the truth about strength
how do you grow
make your own name
if you just curl up
accept death as your fate
cry in a corner
let trauma have it’s due
never get over
don’t heal just take the roots
cut your own wrist
and finish what’s been started
die in the birth
of who you should be
but aren’t yet
how do you become
anything different
if you can’t grow
from what you have dealt with
how do change
become someone stronger
if you just lay down
don’t accept that it’s over?

Burning roses

I’m burning roses now
and I ain’t coming down
got no dollar bills
but I’m floating proud
people be looking at me
like I’m so damn lost
but these dreams are happening
no matter the cost
I got my own pen in my hand now
and a voice that I’m using
gonna make my own way
and I’m never pursuing
the past that undid me
when I was living my life
everybody was saying
I was doing it right
had everything wrapped up
in a nice little bow
all my fucking chaos
yeah that shit explode
I can’t do nine to five now
my degree don’t mean nothing
I’m living the life now
that makes me feel something
I’m burning the garden
and feeling so good
you thought that you controlled me
I think you misunderstood
you never did see me
but you took all I had
left me with bad credit
and no fucking cash
had a nervous breakdown
but now I’m not even sad
I’m writing the next chapter
I’m changing the story
you took all I had even the glory
so now I’m crawling upwards
from this dirty floor
everybody might be talking mess
but I’m aiming to soar

#Iamnotokay

I am not okay
want you to know today
the painful truth of self
how i let myself down
didn’t speak the pain
refused to say the name
said the truth must be
that i cut myself baby
I’ll show you as if it’s art
cry tears that are hard to start
about why I’m always afraid
but i can work today
share my pain as though it’s yours
hurt the world with my last word
I am not okay
because I could never say
the name or how I felt
how i let myself down
I cut myself today
triggered others with my pain
don’t sell a proper way out
show beauty in pain right now
the beauty in tragedy
though self mutilation be
a horrid act of self
I am not okay
but this is my hell
I didn’t speak when spoken to
if this is happening to you
speak out and do not mince
words that stick to lips
force screams and let them know
you aren’t okay don’t let go
cutting is not beauty
scars remind us truly
that ignoring our own pain
breaks us of our name
don’t glorify that scene
with pictures meant to be
beautifully framed art without a game
scars and cuts they are the same
as what nobody needs
you share a picture please
remember what it means
that pain is not beauty
there’s no strength in being a victim
survival is much different
then living and learning to thrive
a victim is not how you strive
don’t glorify your scars
your pain is not who you are
I live my life in fear
overcome it live my dears
don’t allow the rich to bleed
bleed unto you baby
just lift yourself back up
even if you cut
don’t glorify that pain
glorify the strength that comes
by admitting you need help
by leaving victimhood for health

Like riding a bike

Learning how to eat again
learning how to walk
remember all the times you got
lost inside that talk
when everything feels so secure
like you got it on lock
but now you’re learning how to eat
like it’s something you forgot
everything comes at a head
and now it’s all been lost
learning how to eat again
like learning how to walk

Done with it

Tired of being exhausted
tired of being sick
I look like I am dying
my body has gone limp
everything is hurting
and everything is numb
I’m tired of being sick
and of being always stuck
moving on is difficult
it’s hard to heal and breathe
life is too damn long
I’m tired of being me
keeping it all forward
healing slowly all the time
everything is hurting
but this life is finally mine
tired of being exhausted
but willing to continue on
if I don’t recover
I should go where I belong
willingness to live
becomes my only drink
tired of being exhausted
if I fail it’s death I seek.