Burning roses

I’m burning roses now
and I ain’t coming down
got no dollar bills
but I’m floating proud
people be looking at me
like I’m so damn lost
but these dreams are happening
no matter the cost
I got my own pen in my hand now
and a voice that I’m using
gonna make my own way
and I’m never pursuing
the past that undid me
when I was living my life
everybody was saying
I was doing it right
had everything wrapped up
in a nice little bow
all my fucking chaos
yeah that shit explode
I can’t do nine to five now
my degree don’t mean nothing
I’m living the life now
that makes me feel something
I’m burning the garden
and feeling so good
you thought that you controlled me
I think you misunderstood
you never did see me
but you took all I had
left me with bad credit
and no fucking cash
had a nervous breakdown
but now I’m not even sad
I’m writing the next chapter
I’m changing the story
you took all I had even the glory
so now I’m crawling upwards
from this dirty floor
everybody might be talking mess
but I’m aiming to soar

Advertisements

#Iamnotokay

I am not okay
want you to know today
the painful truth of self
how i let myself down
didn’t speak the pain
refused to say the name
said the truth must be
that i cut myself baby
I’ll show you as if it’s art
cry tears that are hard to start
about why I’m always afraid
but i can work today
share my pain as though it’s yours
hurt the world with my last word
I am not okay
because I could never say
the name or how I felt
how i let myself down
I cut myself today
triggered others with my pain
don’t sell a proper way out
show beauty in pain right now
the beauty in tragedy
though self mutilation be
a horrid act of self
I am not okay
but this is my hell
I didn’t speak when spoken to
if this is happening to you
speak out and do not mince
words that stick to lips
force screams and let them know
you aren’t okay don’t let go
cutting is not beauty
scars remind us truly
that ignoring our own pain
breaks us of our name
don’t glorify that scene
with pictures meant to be
beautifully framed art without a game
scars and cuts they are the same
as what nobody needs
you share a picture please
remember what it means
that pain is not beauty
there’s no strength in being a victim
survival is much different
then living and learning to thrive
a victim is not how you strive
don’t glorify your scars
your pain is not who you are
I live my life in fear
overcome it live my dears
don’t allow the rich to bleed
bleed unto you baby
just lift yourself back up
even if you cut
don’t glorify that pain
glorify the strength that comes
by admitting you need help
by leaving victimhood for health

Like riding a bike

Learning how to eat again
learning how to walk
remember all the times you got
lost inside that talk
when everything feels so secure
like you got it on lock
but now you’re learning how to eat
like it’s something you forgot
everything comes at a head
and now it’s all been lost
learning how to eat again
like learning how to walk

Done with it

Tired of being exhausted
tired of being sick
I look like I am dying
my body has gone limp
everything is hurting
and everything is numb
I’m tired of being sick
and of being always stuck
moving on is difficult
it’s hard to heal and breathe
life is too damn long
I’m tired of being me
keeping it all forward
healing slowly all the time
everything is hurting
but this life is finally mine
tired of being exhausted
but willing to continue on
if I don’t recover
I should go where I belong
willingness to live
becomes my only drink
tired of being exhausted
if I fail it’s death I seek.

Give me bones

Let me at it
let me back in
heal me doctor
make me feel again
I’ve been dying
for better or worse
I’m ready for help now
it’s all a curse
I’m asking for something
something to save me
I know it’s a long road
but I’m ready lately
can’t help but wonder
how much weight I’ve lost
if I am still here
and at what real cost
I’ve been a ghost dear
and I’m ready for flesh
give me some bones here
teach me to walk
let me back at it
I’m ready to stop

How we can recover

The myth of moderation
is not a myth at all,
it’s a method of recovery
but not a one for all.
AA is a program,
filled with lots of faults
it may help some people
but it’s not a guaranteed stop.
Getting into rehab
works sometimes-it’s true,
but there are some people
this method just won’t get to.
Therapy can be effective,
therapy can be a cure,
but some people just don’t like it,
they feel this method is absurd.
Harm reductions great
truly one of my faves
but even with this method
you may not be saved.
Moderation is a method
just like so many things-
a method to living,
breathing what you seek.
The myth of moderation
is not a myth at all,
just like AA
this method has its faults
some may find recovery
others find more drugs
in the end it’s discovery
of just what side you’re on.

The world lives too

Addicts
they live in the real world
the world doesn’t stop
everybody’s living
and addicts can’t get off
the planet keeps on turning
and nothing goes away
even though you’ve quit
the shelves will still remain
stocked and fully loaded
waiting to be purchased
and consumed
addicts have to live
continue to keep breathing
cannot touch a drop
or grab the substance
that they’re fiending
no they must keep on living
with everybody else
addicts have the problem
not everybody else
do not make excuses
let them live their lives as well
let them know existence
won’t change because of them
addicts must be stronger
and allow the world to turn
you are stronger than
the hunger and the thirst
can’t ask everybody
to give up what you did
they are not the addict
and you have to let them live
whether they’re your friend
husband or your child
they must be allowed
to live as they might want to
it may be a hard
a hard reality to swallow
but part of addiction recovery
is accepting the hard truth
that others don’t have the problems
the issues that you do
and the world will keep on turning
and the shelves will all be stocked
you cannot escape reality
you have to accept the truth
recovery is hard
because the world is living too

When you ask them not to

Even if you tell them
they’ll never forget to say
You look so good,
so thin, so good-
you look so beautiful-
so damn good.
You’ve lost weight
but have you ate?
Before you answer
just let me say
you’ve never looked
so beautiful
you’ve never looked
so good at all.
You feel better-don’t you?
You feel good-now say it!
Say you feel better-
say you feel good-
don’t you feel healthier-
I knew that you would,
say that you feel good
say you feel better
say you feel great
no matter the case.
You’ve become thinner
so you must be safe
I asked you if you’d eaten
but you didn’t say
I look so good,
so fucking lovely,
didn’t I say
I’m anorexic, honey?

Nasty thing

All the trauma overcome
my battles won
but here’s the fun
true fear comes from
knowing love
owning something
you won’t give up
willingness to feel happy
safety is a nasty thing
comfortable and so it seems
until you dream the dying dream
fear of your own mortality
creeps upon your shoulders stay
yet you still remember the days
days when death would have been
so sweet
but knowing love has made you weak
fear the end and losing sleep
all because you have the dream.

Inside Lovato and the bad life coach

I am an artist,
an entrepreneur-
I’m creative
a fucking gift to the world.
I got ideas
and I show my tits on stage.
I feign authenticity
but make excuses out of pain.
I use my illness
and my addictions as a shield.
I use sobriety
as a theme to get a meal-
I am an artist
a philanthropist and more
I’ve got bipolar
and I wield it like a sword.
I’m not recovered
as that takes time and room to heal,
I am just a child
who doesn’t know what it means
to be real.
I’m just a celebrity,
adding titles to my name-
buying indulgences in vain,
and pretending mental illness is a game.
I am an artist
but that’s just an excuse
for being a child, for being rude
for being ill and relapsing too
I’m just too young to accept the truth,
it’s still my fault, but it’s also youth.