Finding the taste

Tasty and yummy
it’s so delicious now
now that I can eat
eat without the sound
the sound of my mind
screaming not to eat
everything looks better
now that I can feed
no more thinking awful
when looking at a treat
I can pick up the fork now
and not really grieve
I don’t want to cry now
when I take a bite
I don’t think of vomiting
in the middle of the night
tasty and so yummy
now that I’ve found you
an interest in the process
of cooking up the food

Continue

I just wanna escape
don’t want to think too much
just wanna play all day
forget the junk I have to do
just want to get myself through
don’t know the truth
drive through the night
all in my mind
thinking too damn high
I’m just stuck
just wanna escape
I’m too tired to
I just want to get through
want it all to be done
so I can continue

Day by day

I’m not getting better
I just keep getting worse
here I am just tethered
to another verse
a song to sing so sweetly
that never goes away
it’s burrowed under skin
infected all my brain
I can’t keep from drowning
in the open air
I can’t keep from dying
I’m pulling out my hair
as everybody watches
enjoys the slow decay
I’m not getting better
just living day by day

Accept it’s over

How do you grow
how do you change
how do you find
the truth about strength
how do you grow
make your own name
if you just curl up
accept death as your fate
cry in a corner
let trauma have it’s due
never get over
don’t heal just take the roots
cut your own wrist
and finish what’s been started
die in the birth
of who you should be
but aren’t yet
how do you become
anything different
if you can’t grow
from what you have dealt with
how do change
become someone stronger
if you just lay down
don’t accept that it’s over?

Burning roses

I’m burning roses now
and I ain’t coming down
got no dollar bills
but I’m floating proud
people be looking at me
like I’m so damn lost
but these dreams are happening
no matter the cost
I got my own pen in my hand now
and a voice that I’m using
gonna make my own way
and I’m never pursuing
the past that undid me
when I was living my life
everybody was saying
I was doing it right
had everything wrapped up
in a nice little bow
all my fucking chaos
yeah that shit explode
I can’t do nine to five now
my degree don’t mean nothing
I’m living the life now
that makes me feel something
I’m burning the garden
and feeling so good
you thought that you controlled me
I think you misunderstood
you never did see me
but you took all I had
left me with bad credit
and no fucking cash
had a nervous breakdown
but now I’m not even sad
I’m writing the next chapter
I’m changing the story
you took all I had even the glory
so now I’m crawling upwards
from this dirty floor
everybody might be talking mess
but I’m aiming to soar

#Iamnotokay

I am not okay
want you to know today
the painful truth of self
how i let myself down
didn’t speak the pain
refused to say the name
said the truth must be
that i cut myself baby
I’ll show you as if it’s art
cry tears that are hard to start
about why I’m always afraid
but i can work today
share my pain as though it’s yours
hurt the world with my last word
I am not okay
because I could never say
the name or how I felt
how i let myself down
I cut myself today
triggered others with my pain
don’t sell a proper way out
show beauty in pain right now
the beauty in tragedy
though self mutilation be
a horrid act of self
I am not okay
but this is my hell
I didn’t speak when spoken to
if this is happening to you
speak out and do not mince
words that stick to lips
force screams and let them know
you aren’t okay don’t let go
cutting is not beauty
scars remind us truly
that ignoring our own pain
breaks us of our name
don’t glorify that scene
with pictures meant to be
beautifully framed art without a game
scars and cuts they are the same
as what nobody needs
you share a picture please
remember what it means
that pain is not beauty
there’s no strength in being a victim
survival is much different
then living and learning to thrive
a victim is not how you strive
don’t glorify your scars
your pain is not who you are
I live my life in fear
overcome it live my dears
don’t allow the rich to bleed
bleed unto you baby
just lift yourself back up
even if you cut
don’t glorify that pain
glorify the strength that comes
by admitting you need help
by leaving victimhood for health

Like riding a bike

Learning how to eat again
learning how to walk
remember all the times you got
lost inside that talk
when everything feels so secure
like you got it on lock
but now you’re learning how to eat
like it’s something you forgot
everything comes at a head
and now it’s all been lost
learning how to eat again
like learning how to walk

Done with it

Tired of being exhausted
tired of being sick
I look like I am dying
my body has gone limp
everything is hurting
and everything is numb
I’m tired of being sick
and of being always stuck
moving on is difficult
it’s hard to heal and breathe
life is too damn long
I’m tired of being me
keeping it all forward
healing slowly all the time
everything is hurting
but this life is finally mine
tired of being exhausted
but willing to continue on
if I don’t recover
I should go where I belong
willingness to live
becomes my only drink
tired of being exhausted
if I fail it’s death I seek.

Give me bones

Let me at it
let me back in
heal me doctor
make me feel again
I’ve been dying
for better or worse
I’m ready for help now
it’s all a curse
I’m asking for something
something to save me
I know it’s a long road
but I’m ready lately
can’t help but wonder
how much weight I’ve lost
if I am still here
and at what real cost
I’ve been a ghost dear
and I’m ready for flesh
give me some bones here
teach me to walk
let me back at it
I’m ready to stop

How we can recover

The myth of moderation
is not a myth at all,
it’s a method of recovery
but not a one for all.
AA is a program,
filled with lots of faults
it may help some people
but it’s not a guaranteed stop.
Getting into rehab
works sometimes-it’s true,
but there are some people
this method just won’t get to.
Therapy can be effective,
therapy can be a cure,
but some people just don’t like it,
they feel this method is absurd.
Harm reductions great
truly one of my faves
but even with this method
you may not be saved.
Moderation is a method
just like so many things-
a method to living,
breathing what you seek.
The myth of moderation
is not a myth at all,
just like AA
this method has its faults
some may find recovery
others find more drugs
in the end it’s discovery
of just what side you’re on.