Reality makes

I don’t want dreams
I don’t want things
all that I crave is up sleep
chain me uneven
break me when not needed
keep calling back to you
for reasons
I don’t want nice things
I don’t like pleasant dreams
I just want death to
be kind to me
keep me ever on the rope
tighten my grip on hope
never really let me go
I’m already insane
I don’t want to sleep here
no more dreams near
left for the rear mirror
to see the shadow standing still
keep me out and then fulfill
everything I never asked for
hollowed down and out more
I don’t want no dreams or things
nice enough or broken dreams
I just want the truth today
tell me what reality makes

Lying

I can’t keep on lying
pretending not to see
that I am not a victim
not victim of history
that my sex has never bent so
never bowed on bended knee
I can’t keep on lying
pretending to be weak
as if those who’ve come before me
never existed that way
I can’t keep on pretending
that my legacy is not strength
I am not a victim
and I’m taking that to my grave

If you knew him

If you knew the devil
oh yes your heart be still
for if you knew the devil
you’d be lost in all the thrills
the logic that’s unmoving
the heart that’s all but cruel
if you knew the devil
you’d make excuses until
just as with that ex lover
you keep rewriting truth
when you know the devil
he’s worth every excuse
so don’t pretend your sheets
are all that pretty white
we know you sleep in grey
in the best moonlight

Normal

Didn’t know truth
didn’t know what’s real
didn’t even know if
I could even feel
numb to the pain yes
numb to the screams
I wanted to die but
never knew the need
didn’t know the truth
didn’t know what real was
didn’t know in my youth
what was normal because
I didn’t know the truth
about being human
no one ever told me
I was just left musing
a child being lied to
and making things up
just to make sense of it
normals enough

She could taste

She wanted the boy
he wanted another
she stole him at midnight
by hiding the other
she took him in comfort
before he could know
she stole him at midnight
and felt fully known
he took her again
and they become pair
the other still hidden
no longer there
he never does ask
all he can see
is that there’s someone
who caters to needs
she gives him comfort
the other unclean
she wanted him
she gets what she wants
but now she is having
bitter second thoughts
he wanted the other
but she’s what he’s got
she wanted something
but not what he gives
the other that was hidden
she never should in
should have given him
what he actually wanted
she should have found out
what else she could taste

Screaming and dreaming

Screaming and dreaming
that this will all now end
the river of blood
that it has been pretend
that every pain and cut
that we have suffered
is just another nightmare
existing under covers
screaming and dreaming
of something than the other
every bit of malcontent
the dreams of cowards
years we spent
and now it ends with this
screaming in the decadence

Accept it’s over

How do you grow
how do you change
how do you find
the truth about strength
how do you grow
make your own name
if you just curl up
accept death as your fate
cry in a corner
let trauma have it’s due
never get over
don’t heal just take the roots
cut your own wrist
and finish what’s been started
die in the birth
of who you should be
but aren’t yet
how do you become
anything different
if you can’t grow
from what you have dealt with
how do change
become someone stronger
if you just lay down
don’t accept that it’s over?

I need this

I need this to be real
to validate how I feel
to keep me in the right
to know I’ve lost no sight
I need this nightmare to bleed
bleed into reality
to be right in front of me
I need this to be real
I need to know it’s right to feel
to see oppression and pain
even on a good bright day
to be miserable because I know
know the world is letting go
I need this to be real
need to validate how I feel
to know that I am right
even though my truth is a lie
I need this to be truth
no matter how obtuse
I need it to be true
I need to know I’m better than you
that I am right and know much better
that this reality is tethered
to the nightmares I need to be real
even if it’s painful wounds can’t heal
I need this to be real
for me
doesn’t mean that I can’t see
only that I am right believe
I need this to be real
I need this to have happened
I need to know I’m right
that indeed I’m fighting the good fight

And now

I want to do so much
want to get it done
I want to finish up
but movement is not fun
my brain has crippled me
and now
now I’m so worn out
barely even write
I focus on eating
to survive
slowed down
and I’ve forgot
how I did so much
feeling so lost

Growing thorns

Watch the roses grow
and say you’ll always show
the pride that’s in your heart
you’ve made gardening an art
the joy that comes with bloom
ignore the thorns and fumes
pretend the roses smell
as beautiful and frail
watch the roses grow
red blossoms bloom and show
the love of all you’ve made
they take your pride and spade
bought the home you live
the garden blessed within
watch your roses grow
ignore the thorns and hope
that everything you’ve wrought
won’t kill what little happiness
you’ve got