Inside Lovato and the bad life coach

I am an artist,
an entrepreneur-
I’m creative
a fucking gift to the world.
I got ideas
and I show my tits on stage.
I feign authenticity
but make excuses out of pain.
I use my illness
and my addictions as a shield.
I use sobriety
as a theme to get a meal-
I am an artist
a philanthropist and more
I’ve got bipolar
and I wield it like a sword.
I’m not recovered
as that takes time and room to heal,
I am just a child
who doesn’t know what it means
to be real.
I’m just a celebrity,
adding titles to my name-
buying indulgences in vain,
and pretending mental illness is a game.
I am an artist
but that’s just an excuse
for being a child, for being rude
for being ill and relapsing too
I’m just too young to accept the truth,
it’s still my fault, but it’s also youth.

Advertisements

What do you mean by honesty?

Am I getting better?
Oh I sound that way it seems
if I answer hello
you interpret what it means
if I wear a smile
it says I’m not depressed
but because it makes you happier
it means I’ve never felt that stress
that if I say I’ve eaten
you take it to mean enough
so when I am a corpse
I guess you’ll say you didn’t know
because even though I told you
you never heard the words
never actually listened
or read a single verse.

Fat anorexic

Watch the fat girl die,
slowly.
Watch her starve herself
to sleep.
Watch her wither away
to nothing.
And deny that she’d never
eat.
Watch the fat girl fade
most literally,
watch her body die
on repeat.
Nothing grows-
it only sinks in,
but she should be happy
with this new skin.
Watch the fat girl become
what you want to see,
watch her realize
she’s now your thing,
watch her die even more inside
as even her family
cheers for starving tonight
they would argue
but it’s all the same
no new ending-no one’s listening
it’s okay
she’s just a fat girl
anyway.

Due process

Suicide is complicated
suicide is hard
we put blame on partners
on bullies and on scars
everybody’s part of
the problem we can’t solve
when we name the monster
the monster is us all
everybody’s party
to the death that we have seen
especially Rose McGowan
who deflects blame
though we can see
everything affects
the choice of suicide
you can blame mental illness
but it’s not just one reason to why
everything’s connected
everything’s me too
it’s why we blame school bullies
and the partners that abuse
it’s not just isolated
to one reason or maybe two
suicide is complicated
suicide is hard
especially when you’re claiming
you’re the Bravest of us all.

Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.

biology is physical

I am
a biological female
a true born spilt tale.
I am
not some kind of feeling
not a state of delusional thinking.
I am
whatever the fuck I say I am
masculine or feminine
I am woman
and I made peace with it.
I am
a biological female
born with a cunt
so I didn’t have to get one.
I am
also pretty crazy
been delusional-
gender dysphoric and maybe
even thinking I
I might not be a lady
but I am who I am
and trans ideology
can’t change me.

The mysteries of gender dysphoria

Misinformation is vile
professionalism is dead
all the research you’ve twisted
all the people you’ve misled
with all that psychobabble
and all that ego praise
making gender dysphoria
a product-a ticket to acclaim
it’s actually rather common
though typically is just a phase
it can lead to delusional thinking
if it doesn’t go away
it accounts for outcomes
without twisting data
to add your name
it’s already a subcategory
connected to a state
of anxiety
in all its various forms
it comes with stress,
hormonal changes,
and existing mood disorders
you really do disservice
when you mystify a problem.

Wake me when I’m not dreaming

Wetter and wetter
between the thighs
growing impulse
something isn’t right
got another dripping
down the side
this is just another
nine to five
wetter, ever wetter
my oh my
I’m about to eat candy
midnight delight

A few of my favorite things

Shake the cat out of the tree
break the child at the knee
poison the flowers and kill the bees
the truth is in destructions plea
come whatever, come what may
take the opening in grey
wade the chances and take the bribe
burn all the bridges, sell all your pride