The slow break

I’m sick and twisted
over moderately disturbed
but when you miss it
you’ll just make it worse
don’t dismiss it
just sit and listen
if you can’t hear me
then just get lost
because every single second
is a second cost
and every single moment
I remember it all
mind will play its tricks you see
I will remember everything
but nothing is what it seems
no, I can see what’s happening
I am sick
my mind is twisted
part of why
I can’t feel this love
it is gone as I am ill
one day soon I’ll know
how loss feels

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Almost free

I don’t want to hear it
not like this again
I don’t want to speak the words
screaming loudly in my head
I don’t want to be like this
forever and a day
to cry myself to sleep
while drowning in the rain
I don’t want to hear it
not like this right now
I just want to let go
accept this living hell
know that in the end
I made choices just for me
all of them quite bad
but I made them almost free

Off the floor

I don’t feel good
no not today
well again
like yesterday
maybe better
probably worse
I don’t feel good
no not today
I guess it’s just like
any other day
I don’t feel good
don’t want to eat
I just keep thinking
I should go to sleep
used to be able
to get out of bed
but today I don’t feel good
like I’ve already said
just like yesterday
and maybe before
I just don’t feel good
anywhere off the floor

Day by day

I’m not getting better
I just keep getting worse
here I am just tethered
to another verse
a song to sing so sweetly
that never goes away
it’s burrowed under skin
infected all my brain
I can’t keep from drowning
in the open air
I can’t keep from dying
I’m pulling out my hair
as everybody watches
enjoys the slow decay
I’m not getting better
just living day by day

The bell

Sound the bell
I’m off to hell
a brand new adventure
for me to sell
a life less lived
though in my head
the dreams often come
though remain quite dead
sound the bell
all the chimes
keep the words off all the rhymes
cherish that which is not mine
the children scream
as we continue
move through fire
the hell you’ve been to
drop the drink and all facade
sound the bell
and do no harm

Leave Paris alone

I don’t want to cry
record a video and sigh
sigh while losing my mind
why do we want Paris to die?
Egging on suicide
keep reporting until she tries
let her go just like the truth
we don’t want facts
or even proof
I don’t want to be so upset
but this begging for suicide
I don’t get
why we want to see her fall
would her death pacify us all?
Would we feel like it is proof
facts and all the fucking truth
a guarantee her father was bad
that he in fact was a horrible man
would her suicide make it better?
Say goodbye to goodwill forever
let’s all just take a bow
it’s time that we knock out
waiting for a young woman to die
this ain’t the world we should invite
awaiting suicide
is this how we want to survive?
Placate and say we tried
no we tried to get her to die
to slit wrist and say goodbye
will we report the facts this time?
I don’t want to cry and repeat
but this reminds me of Brittney
so I’ll write what I do say
leave Paris alone
this isn’t okay.
Stop begging for suicide
for her to relapse and want to die
for a young woman to show
all signs of letting go
leave Paris alone
but we know the headlines won’t
so why don’t we all just admit
we want drama with no news in it.

Pack rat

My brain don’t work so well no more
it’s cluttered like my floor
I can’t see my carpet nor the door
I’m waiting for the storm to stop
it’s quiet but no room to talk
no room to think more than once
can’t see can’t hear don’t know my name
my brain got lost along the way
and every piece of drunk decay
keeps it molded and still grey
the pain it won’t ever go away
my brain don’t work so well no more
I’m drunk and cluttered on the floor
everything is boxes filled
I’m hurting but I can not think
I’m dreaming now my visions weak

#Iamnotokay

I am not okay
want you to know today
the painful truth of self
how i let myself down
didn’t speak the pain
refused to say the name
said the truth must be
that i cut myself baby
I’ll show you as if it’s art
cry tears that are hard to start
about why I’m always afraid
but i can work today
share my pain as though it’s yours
hurt the world with my last word
I am not okay
because I could never say
the name or how I felt
how i let myself down
I cut myself today
triggered others with my pain
don’t sell a proper way out
show beauty in pain right now
the beauty in tragedy
though self mutilation be
a horrid act of self
I am not okay
but this is my hell
I didn’t speak when spoken to
if this is happening to you
speak out and do not mince
words that stick to lips
force screams and let them know
you aren’t okay don’t let go
cutting is not beauty
scars remind us truly
that ignoring our own pain
breaks us of our name
don’t glorify that scene
with pictures meant to be
beautifully framed art without a game
scars and cuts they are the same
as what nobody needs
you share a picture please
remember what it means
that pain is not beauty
there’s no strength in being a victim
survival is much different
then living and learning to thrive
a victim is not how you strive
don’t glorify your scars
your pain is not who you are
I live my life in fear
overcome it live my dears
don’t allow the rich to bleed
bleed unto you baby
just lift yourself back up
even if you cut
don’t glorify that pain
glorify the strength that comes
by admitting you need help
by leaving victimhood for health

Like riding a bike

Learning how to eat again
learning how to walk
remember all the times you got
lost inside that talk
when everything feels so secure
like you got it on lock
but now you’re learning how to eat
like it’s something you forgot
everything comes at a head
and now it’s all been lost
learning how to eat again
like learning how to walk

And now

I want to do so much
want to get it done
I want to finish up
but movement is not fun
my brain has crippled me
and now
now I’m so worn out
barely even write
I focus on eating
to survive
slowed down
and I’ve forgot
how I did so much
feeling so lost