24/7

Yes, I’m afraid
afraid of nearly everything
my heart it screams
naturally it’s haunting me
it aches and moans
I feel fear in my soul
it’s so much more
than just a panic-this is
full blown
I’m awake
but dreaming is a nightmare
just like life
my eyelids shut
but I don’t feel right
it’s not a dream, no this
this is reality
and I am terrified
of sights, and sounds
and movements
a child laughs
and I am horrified
irrational as it must seem
my mind it works in constant agony
I’m afraid of everything
even when I know
there’s no reason to be.

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Cannot forget

I hear screams
and see visions
of things that are
beyond unpleasant
everyday my brain
is plagued
with nightmares
that bleed to day
I hear screams
and see visions
of trauma that I
cannot forget

Wake me when I’m not dreaming

Wetter and wetter
between the thighs
growing impulse
something isn’t right
got another dripping
down the side
this is just another
nine to five
wetter, ever wetter
my oh my
I’m about to eat candy
midnight delight

A few of my favorite things

Shake the cat out of the tree
break the child at the knee
poison the flowers and kill the bees
the truth is in destructions plea
come whatever, come what may
take the opening in grey
wade the chances and take the bribe
burn all the bridges, sell all your pride

Nightmares

I don’t know what I’m crying for
I just know I’m dying on the floor
moaning and sighing
this heart aches for more
but it’s gone now
it’s gone now
the feeling I was holding
it’s gone now
and I don’t have a cure for sobbing
it’s gone now I’m broken
but it’s not alright
no beauty here, no tragic light
no candle dinners this time tonight
I don’t know what I’m crying for
don’t know why my heart is sore
why every bone is breaking
or why my hands are shaking
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
another breakdown another bad dream

whispers

I guess it’s nothing
nothing but the bottom
the bottom of the hole we dug
given up-have we begun?
I don’t have the answer yet
but I will smile
and I will forget
then it comes-another day
everything’s fine-I am okay.

Under sheets

All the clutter in my head
noiseless sound and day old bread
can’t get up no sight or ground
my feet touching skyward bound
I am falling up not down
my words seem to make it loud
mouth is shut-they still persists
these words all out of context.
All this clutter in my head
I’d need three of me to send
just enough to breathe again
get these thoughts out of my bed.

The truth about recovery

Guess I’m still sick
presenting well my shtick
a coping skill near heaven sent
leaves me dissociated and bent
forgetting what my true feeling is.

Guess I’m still sick
when a child’s laughter turns into
cries for help
you hear children playing
I hear children being tortured and killed.

Guess I’m still sick
when visions of violence
never leave my head
is it still intrusive if these thoughts
stay ever present?

Guess I’m still sick
so broken I missed
the signs and symptoms of
unreal bliss
hoping to God I don’t lose my shit
or at least I would if I could think of it
dissociation is fun
until you realize this
you haven’t been living for too damn long.

Into the black

This reality it screams to me
the paintings on the wall
they believe in me
and everything that’s shinning
is illuminating scenes where the darkness
cries but no one heeds.
No one saves the monster they are far to grotesque
and no one loves a martyr they just lay the soul to rest
and though there is but one parade to say hooray the day is saved
not a mind would think on it if nothing was given away.
Here we are again, the crazy girl within, she’s singing songs
and playing along to whatever dreams let live.
Here we are again it seems lost little willow chasing seams
the tattered remains of broken things
and everything she wanted to believe.
Standing still on top that hill her mountain crumbles forgotten Jill.
Standing still, that crazy girl itches for escape, but when
the world stops she gets kicked off never to be seen again
and this reality it screams to me
like a forgotten dream it seems
that every night before I wake I die in the black and can’t escape.
That crazy girl inside my head she’s screaming soundless
back to bed. The space outside the world it bends
the stars on fire they take my meds and no one knows
just where to go
and everything that sings it glows, and no one
has the time it shows
that crazy girl within is singing every note a silent
screaming, never ending just this day
just continues dreaming.