Who am I

I don’t see myself reflected in your eyes
just a different fucking girl
a different version you prefer
of the girl I just might be
if interpretations are to be believed
I don’t see myself in the mirror any longer
just a series of women
each one a different genre
something someone wanted to see
a person they wanted me to be
just a warm body to take up a seat
to give them advice on the cheap
and this the meaning of me
what I am lead to believe
the truth only relative
that you see what you want I guess
hear my name and make up a face
pick my home and my birth place
I don’t see myself when I walk outside
every person picks a different kind
it’s like what flavor might I be tonight
because you don’t really care who am I

And me

Play with me
make me sing
break that brittle
little thing
that cold dead heart
that ill-written rhyme
make those words
connect and thrive
play with me
make me stand
make me breathe
And then start again

What’s in my coffee

Tell me
tell me please
what do you think
when you see me
do you see
the animal
or just a woman
with some claws
tell me please
tell me something
describe my name
or bring me coffee
with the cream
and plenty sugar
tell me please
what is a woman.

Finding me

I thought I loved you
then I walked further on outside
I saw the real sun
the kind you can’t hide when it’s this bright
I thought I knew trust
like it was something we just do
like, I like this person so I trust them that’s the truth
but it’s not true
I never trust a single body
I never let them in though they thought I did
never spoke the truth to nobody
I thought they loved me
made excuses every damn day
why’d they forget me
why didn’t they invite me to stay
I thought you trusted me
that I was the dramatic one
saying you only come around when you need something
that’s for sure
you only came around when you needed me
to do what no one else would get done
I thought we were more
lovers and friends alike
but I got played hard
and at the very end of the night I walk home alone
don’t get no call in the morning, no
I just walk on alone
and realize I never felt anything close to love
because I never trusted you
nor did I really have respect
you thought you knew me
but you haven’t learned a damn thing yet
and now it’s over
so neither of us will know
what really went on here
I guess we’re just footprints in the snow
I thought I loved you
but I was too guarded to see
that I didn’t need you I just needed somebody
something to cling to
while I was desperately finding me.

Selflessly selfish

Selflessly selfish
I don’t want to be me
I don’t want to be surviving
just so I no longer scream
I don’t want give myself up
don’t want to ask for you
I just want to be somewhere
I actually feel I belong too
selflessly selfish
I don’t want to be so I am
I just want to forget it
forget me like I’m a sin
just want to move right past it
give nothing else away
I don’t ever receive anything
though I demand to be paid
selfish isn’t worth it
when you end up with nothing
when you’re all alone and crying
I wish I could forget me
gave all of me away and
now I’m all used up
made so many mistakes here
don’t know how to fix my wrongs
it’s life I’m always starting
starting over from the top
selflessly selfish
I don’t want to be me
I just want to go somewhere
I feel I belong maybe
I don’t want to give myself away
I don’t want to take all of your pain
I just want to be somewhere I belong
I wish I could forget me
I wish I never was
that I could just go back to
being part of the cosmic flood
selfishly quite selfless
I don’t want to be who I am
I just want to say goodbye here
and forget who I really am

All I’ve been

In the midst of the deep ocean all I see is black
a world beneath what’s been forgotten to which I can’t turn back
a mess of mind and soul in tatters everything is cracked
I cannot move for lack of vision my body is the sand
deep within the darkest ocean I’ve been driven mad
still I’m breathing no longer living forgotten what I am
a world beneath what’s been forgotten an ocean dark and then
the world beneath is filled with light no longer empty seas
I no longer see the black but the light has blinded me
forgotten still what was before I no longer feel my skin
sand consumes the driving force beneath the waters land
in the midst of the deep ocean all I know is gone
broken lost once forever forgotten all I’ve been

Dry floor

Trying not to breathe
be anything but me
break down
and break some more
keep writhing on the floor
fall down don’t try again
keep bathing in dead skin
keep drinking from that well
keep drowning in the sun
baked by light and air so fun
trying not to breathe
lungs try desperately
be anything but me
dead if it has to be
break down and then again
writhing in this sin
drinking all that’s come before
drowning on dry floor

Dread

I dread the moment you come back again
try to get back in my head
where you can chain me to your ways
make me you in this flesh I tamed
I dread the day I must fight for me
to remain a solitary identity
where I control just how I breathe
keep you out of this flesh of me
I dread the day you knock on my door
that I may flee into the floor
pretend I have never once existed
but then I think it’s the fear I’ll miss it
miss my chance to destroy my keeper
keep you out of my head forever
you can’t chain me when you’re dead
you can no longer live in my head
I dread the day we say goodbye
that I might feel more sadness inside
even though I know it’s better
I fear I’ll mourn you now and forever

Where I’ve been

Sometimes I turn my back on
the truth of who I was
how cruel I could be
setting to the floods
I burned bridges and memories
burned it all to the floor
made sure I couldn’t remember
because I didn’t want it no more
I was held up on pedestals
called a goddess and a queen
but then I remember
all the hell that I’d bring
nobody knew me
even when they thought they did
because I didn’t trust them
that’s the way that I lived
sometimes I try my best to forget
like nothing ever happened
before I decided it did
but when I lost everything
even my mind
I saw it all clearly
the choices were mine
I know who I am now
because I know where I’ve been
sometimes I might want to run
but I stand where I am
I’ll grow from the ashes
or I’ll accept that I’ve drowned
I’ll make my own way here
someway somehow
and when sometimes I cry
I’ll know I need to let it out

Really hurt

It’s what we get
it isn’t right
when one can go
from shades of white
to have their whole identity
written out and then believed
we deserve what we received
we let their lies stand still believed
it’s what we get for misreading
it’s what we get it isn’t right
it isn’t what you wanna see tonight
but we got what we deserved
burning ourselves really hurt