The dissociated brain

Have you ever felt
inside out?
Backwards and forth
like someone else.
Ever looked at him
and thought that is me
felt the utter horror
of not existing
replace all your thoughts
with what his could be?
Just have to shake it off
no point in listening
it’s just your fucking mind
not reality
but this won’t move aside
no it’s meant to be
can’t hold this in sight
I’ve let go of me.
All these symptoms collide
and his face takes over me
he’s just handing me my change
but I’ve become a he
if I don’t break this hold
I might end up in ward b-reality
it chokes on my brains news feed.
I cannot keep up with these
thoughts you see
reality is not something meant to be
it’s quite tiresome you see
I can go a long way just to breathe
but the scenery becomes a bit of paint
and every interaction is unsafe
I may walk away fighting your face
thoughts of living your life in your place-
my reality in space, no memories or piece
of who I might be.
Have you ever lived your life this way?
I have to be aware to stop the pain
exhausted though I am
I will remain.

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Dead name

Hush-don’t say that name
you have lost that person today
they don’t stand here-
we’re not the same.

Please-don’t say that name
it reminds me of my shame
I have grieved much more than you
you could never feel as I do.

Hush-don’t say that name
I lost everything today
you, you’re not the same
you bring up my deepest shame
you have placed me with the blame
I just cannot hear that name.

Please… don’t say that name
please don’t say I look the same
why am I so damn ashamed?
you ask questions to break my frame
literal-the words are violence
say that name it’s dead to my lips.

Hush! Don’t say that name
they have died, but I remain
you will love me just the same
replace them in your memory
with old thoughts of what you see
play along and don’t you grieve
the name is dead, but I’m still me.

diagnosis accepted

I woke up in a world I’ve lost
closed my eyes now down is up
nothing is as what it seems
cloud of smoke and brain disease
mindlessness and stupidity
led by ego and delusional thinking
grandiose but un-diagnosed
at least not properly.

When I went to sleep,
when I laid my bed,
I knew the sky was blue
and blood not the color red
when I was sleeping- dreaming ever sound
my own diagnosis was settling
down, down, down, down, down
but eyes wide open-the world is flat
am I an animal, maybe a cat?

I woke up and the world turned wrong-blinked but once all logic has gone
but if this is healthy-what the fuck is normal?
If this world is stable-how am I diagnosable?

Trans is beautiful

If you’re gonna do it-
do it right.
Turn that symptom into life-
don’t grieve that diagnosis-
just put that dress on tonight-
cause if you’re gonna do this shit-
do it right.
Don’t forget it’s a delusion but
embrace the brains solution
and turn that defect into movement!
Paint that face, move with grace,
perfect that bitchy kinda pout-
the most beautiful trans women
know this without a doubt:
that they are men but live in costume
knowing who they are
with or without you
and
that claiming you’re a real woman
simply makes you unstable.
The most beautiful trans women
do mental illness just right
looking like a dream
you’ve had most of your life.

Bubblegum and candy sweet.

Where the story ends

the river bleeds and death is dead.

Triumph over mastery

and life it seems is but a dream.

Head of clouds and candy cotton

colored veins that seep neurotic

a deep forgotten overload,

a drink that burns the malleable.

Tangible regret that forms the other head

the girl, adorned, that trips on talents read.

In bedroom’s classic draped with mirror bends

and waves of cotton filling up her head

nothing last until its over

the beginning is the end.

Where death and life are but a dream

and we remain forever.

Streaming lies of who she is

a disk, a drip, a feathered whip

nothing is a quantity

and make-up plays lead role supreme

Wonder Woman pant suits clean.

Desperate for the taking plea

a girl with candy coated dreams

pills that make it easy to sleep

a red work blouse and mouse head gleam.

Where the story ends

the river trips and now its dead.

(April 1, 2013)