What do you mean by honesty?

Am I getting better?
Oh I sound that way it seems
if I answer hello
you interpret what it means
if I wear a smile
it says I’m not depressed
but because it makes you happier
it means I’ve never felt that stress
that if I say I’ve eaten
you take it to mean enough
so when I am a corpse
I guess you’ll say you didn’t know
because even though I told you
you never heard the words
never actually listened
or read a single verse.

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Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

A few of my favorite things

Shake the cat out of the tree
break the child at the knee
poison the flowers and kill the bees
the truth is in destructions plea
come whatever, come what may
take the opening in grey
wade the chances and take the bribe
burn all the bridges, sell all your pride

Purpose driven

Sometimes I panic
my world flattens
everything is up
in the air
nothing is certain
I’m guessing it’s worth it
but I’m not even sure
I am here
sometimes I panic
thinking about it
knowing I could lose
my home
but faith says to have it
take the pain and manage
to continue moving on
and know
sometimes in darkness
we fail into this-the distress
that unravels bones
but if you keep moving
watch the improving
the struggle is in keeping
the goal.

Nightmares

I don’t know what I’m crying for
I just know I’m dying on the floor
moaning and sighing
this heart aches for more
but it’s gone now
it’s gone now
the feeling I was holding
it’s gone now
and I don’t have a cure for sobbing
it’s gone now I’m broken
but it’s not alright
no beauty here, no tragic light
no candle dinners this time tonight
I don’t know what I’m crying for
don’t know why my heart is sore
why every bone is breaking
or why my hands are shaking
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
another breakdown another bad dream

Forgiveness

Breakdown once again
now you’re here and
there you went
broken down and still
forget
forget just how to break
your bread
take it down
throw it out
burn it right down
to the ground
breakdown once again
fall to pieces
always forgive

Every move you make

Break as they say you see
they have everything you need
now you want more but don’t
have too much you’re gonna choke
everything is far too much
not enough-it’s just your luck
break the borders
break the beds
never have you been misled

stuck in the moment

Moments of terror
lost in your head
moments of fear
as if you are dead
stuck in a time
where you cannot
breathe
stuck in a time
you cannot be
existing has
happened
life passes by
moments you’ve lived
in the present
you die