Morning light

And I awoke much colder
no warmth beside my bed
madness filled my cup
and fear overtook my head.
I awoke much older
than I came before
a child now a martyr
only living ever more.
Sleep for chance to dream
to live and share the glory
chance to pass the story on
no chance to heed the words.
And I awoke on a sunny night
lost my sanity
fear had taken my young voice
abandon the rest of me.
I now sleep with one eye open
cruelty my shield
at once they thought a saviour wanted
now they run from me
a monster comes from what they wanted
an older kind of fiend.
I awoke with eyes undaunted
they won’t forget to bleed.

Take it in

Breaking, shaking
I’m alone
when the world starts
to unfold
this is heartache evermore
broken, shattered
on the floor
we once witnessed this before
mind at once and then it’s gone
feel the world from getting on
broken mirrors
mind forgot
she keeps breathing
on and on.

Fractured ware

We all sit under sheer
blessed minds
we hold so dear
closest still but closer near-
we fall under,
we appear,
she is whole
but we still peer
under lashes
we keep clear
she won’t know unless
we cheer
her words come
and we bleed air
we control the lips
and stares
she is us
of this we swear
she’s not split
just fractured ware.

Hopeless

Take, take, take-
break the images down now.
Shake, shake, shake-
the demons are out now.
Fake, fake, fake-
the feelings surround-round.
I can’t make
the walls fall down and
I can’t break
the pattern surrounds
but I am fake
reality a poem and
my mind wakes
surreality a home base,
world encased
glass is only moments
my eyes wait
still on only soulless
when it breaks
fractured but still whole-bliss.

Rip

Rip the back of my skull open
come inside and see the show
it’s quite easy to find your way
the signs are lit in neon glow.
Everyone is welcome!
Everyone should see-
the greatest show in action
the death of all of me!
Rip the skull right open,
dig your nails in me,
open the bone like doors now
the tickets my agonized screams.
Everyone gather inside now
sit right down for the show!
We’ll reveal it all now
the spirits are ready to go
up, up, up and out now
monsters once pain and sorrow,
fiends that turn a clowns trick
and performers that know their role
open the back of my skull now
recreation burns the soul.

The truth about recovery

Guess I’m still sick
presenting well my shtick
a coping skill near heaven sent
leaves me dissociated and bent
forgetting what my true feeling is.

Guess I’m still sick
when a child’s laughter turns into
cries for help
you hear children playing
I hear children being tortured and killed.

Guess I’m still sick
when visions of violence
never leave my head
is it still intrusive if these thoughts
stay ever present?

Guess I’m still sick
so broken I missed
the signs and symptoms of
unreal bliss
hoping to God I don’t lose my shit
or at least I would if I could think of it
dissociation is fun
until you realize this
you haven’t been living for too damn long.

story of me

Tell of all my longings
my love and my undoing.
Tell of all my failures
my rise within this ruin
never speak of roses
or of happy endings
seek to end this cycle of
ever after pretending.
Tell of all my glory and
how I lost my head-the story
never over
just retellings in my stead.
Tell of all my memories with your
voice and then
tell of all my longings-the delusions
in my head
tell me that I’m crazy
while I forget again-
tell of all my longings and all that is
my bed but never forget the ending
happier now than then.

Derealization

Everything is pastel,
everything is paint-
my world is made of candy
the structures are of cake.
No one really sees
the rotting underneath-
sugar coated madness
molasses covered teeth.
Everything is always
never, and at once
time is like a fondant
too much, but not enough.
Forever is an instant
and tomorrow buttercream-
an ever tempting moment
in my bitter
sweet insanity.