The reason is not nothing

Let me say it
let me speak the words
today’s not a good day
I know it’s absurd
that I’m a mess
the moment I wake up
but let me say the reason
the reason for this fuss
let me say it’s nothing-
nothing material
I’m just having a bad day
a bad day because-
you don’t want to hear it
but it’s more then a feel
some days are just bad days
especially
when you’re mentally ill

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Shepard

I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
I have shepherd many flocks
and been left by roadside
I have watched them come
and I have watched them go
speaking as they got the lessons
but never do they know.
I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
guiding those who might have grown
if they had thought to thrive
but I know only of their choices
when they chose to go
I have lived a thousand lives
but never have I known
the kindness of mine own self
the emptiness I’ve sown.

 

The dissociated brain

Have you ever felt
inside out?
Backwards and forth
like someone else.
Ever looked at him
and thought that is me
felt the utter horror
of not existing
replace all your thoughts
with what his could be?
Just have to shake it off
no point in listening
it’s just your fucking mind
not reality
but this won’t move aside
no it’s meant to be
can’t hold this in sight
I’ve let go of me.
All these symptoms collide
and his face takes over me
he’s just handing me my change
but I’ve become a he
if I don’t break this hold
I might end up in ward b-reality
it chokes on my brains news feed.
I cannot keep up with these
thoughts you see
reality is not something meant to be
it’s quite tiresome you see
I can go a long way just to breathe
but the scenery becomes a bit of paint
and every interaction is unsafe
I may walk away fighting your face
thoughts of living your life in your place-
my reality in space, no memories or piece
of who I might be.
Have you ever lived your life this way?
I have to be aware to stop the pain
exhausted though I am
I will remain.

tagged

I am ceramic
fragile and tragic
frozen in place
where you led me.
Statue of stone
bathed in this gold
I have no soul
can you save me?
I am ceramic
precious, fragile,
and sold.

diagnosis accepted

I woke up in a world I’ve lost
closed my eyes now down is up
nothing is as what it seems
cloud of smoke and brain disease
mindlessness and stupidity
led by ego and delusional thinking
grandiose but un-diagnosed
at least not properly.

When I went to sleep,
when I laid my bed,
I knew the sky was blue
and blood not the color red
when I was sleeping- dreaming ever sound
my own diagnosis was settling
down, down, down, down, down
but eyes wide open-the world is flat
am I an animal, maybe a cat?

I woke up and the world turned wrong-blinked but once all logic has gone
but if this is healthy-what the fuck is normal?
If this world is stable-how am I diagnosable?

Take it in

Breaking, shaking
I’m alone
when the world starts
to unfold
this is heartache evermore
broken, shattered
on the floor
we once witnessed this before
mind at once and then it’s gone
feel the world from getting on
broken mirrors
mind forgot
she keeps breathing
on and on.

Trans is beautiful

If you’re gonna do it-
do it right.
Turn that symptom into life-
don’t grieve that diagnosis-
just put that dress on tonight-
cause if you’re gonna do this shit-
do it right.
Don’t forget it’s a delusion but
embrace the brains solution
and turn that defect into movement!
Paint that face, move with grace,
perfect that bitchy kinda pout-
the most beautiful trans women
know this without a doubt:
that they are men but live in costume
knowing who they are
with or without you
and
that claiming you’re a real woman
simply makes you unstable.
The most beautiful trans women
do mental illness just right
looking like a dream
you’ve had most of your life.

Pennies

Don’t have much
but I’ve got faith
broker than I’ve ever been
but more than safe
God gave me answers
in the form of love
God has kept this ship
from the bottom
of the mud.

sin eater

I remember;

a vision of what’s to be,

redemption bringer-

sin eater-

Queen of the unseen.

Army of fallen angels

demons of the trade

bring the souls of vision-

reconstruct their debt.

Borrowed vision

see the truth

you’re crimes will ever be removed.

I remember a warrior Queen

saint of the sinful

Lucifer’s dream.

This is the life hidden for me-

a mother in madness,

meant to lead,

ever the teacher a version

conceived

finally understood what’s meant

to be.

(16 June 2016)