Shepard

I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
I have shepherd many flocks
and been left by roadside
I have watched them come
and I have watched them go
speaking as they got the lessons
but never do they know.
I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
guiding those who might have grown
if they had thought to thrive
but I know only of their choices
when they chose to go
I have lived a thousand lives
but never have I known
the kindness of mine own self
the emptiness I’ve sown.

 

The dissociated brain

Have you ever felt
inside out?
Backwards and forth
like someone else.
Ever looked at him
and thought that is me
felt the utter horror
of not existing
replace all your thoughts
with what his could be?
Just have to shake it off
no point in listening
it’s just your fucking mind
not reality
but this won’t move aside
no it’s meant to be
can’t hold this in sight
I’ve let go of me.
All these symptoms collide
and his face takes over me
he’s just handing me my change
but I’ve become a he
if I don’t break this hold
I might end up in ward b-reality
it chokes on my brains news feed.
I cannot keep up with these
thoughts you see
reality is not something meant to be
it’s quite tiresome you see
I can go a long way just to breathe
but the scenery becomes a bit of paint
and every interaction is unsafe
I may walk away fighting your face
thoughts of living your life in your place-
my reality in space, no memories or piece
of who I might be.
Have you ever lived your life this way?
I have to be aware to stop the pain
exhausted though I am
I will remain.

tagged

I am ceramic
fragile and tragic
frozen in place
where you led me.
Statue of stone
bathed in this gold
I have no soul
can you save me?
I am ceramic
precious, fragile,
and sold.

diagnosis accepted

I woke up in a world I’ve lost
closed my eyes now down is up
nothing is as what it seems
cloud of smoke and brain disease
mindlessness and stupidity
led by ego and delusional thinking
grandiose but un-diagnosed
at least not properly.

When I went to sleep,
when I laid my bed,
I knew the sky was blue
and blood not the color red
when I was sleeping- dreaming ever sound
my own diagnosis was settling
down, down, down, down, down
but eyes wide open-the world is flat
am I an animal, maybe a cat?

I woke up and the world turned wrong-blinked but once all logic has gone
but if this is healthy-what the fuck is normal?
If this world is stable-how am I diagnosable?

Take it in

Breaking, shaking
I’m alone
when the world starts
to unfold
this is heartache evermore
broken, shattered
on the floor
we once witnessed this before
mind at once and then it’s gone
feel the world from getting on
broken mirrors
mind forgot
she keeps breathing
on and on.

Trans is beautiful

If you’re gonna do it-
do it right.
Turn that symptom into life-
don’t grieve that diagnosis-
just put that dress on tonight-
cause if you’re gonna do this shit-
do it right.
Don’t forget it’s a delusion but
embrace the brains solution
and turn that defect into movement!
Paint that face, move with grace,
perfect that bitchy kinda pout-
the most beautiful trans women
know this without a doubt:
that they are men but live in costume
knowing who they are
with or without you
and
that claiming you’re a real woman
simply makes you unstable.
The most beautiful trans women
do mental illness just right
looking like a dream
you’ve had most of your life.

Pennies

Don’t have much
but I’ve got faith
broker than I’ve ever been
but more than safe
God gave me answers
in the form of love
God has kept this ship
from the bottom
of the mud.

Into the black

This reality it screams to me
the paintings on the wall
they believe in me
and everything that’s shinning
is illuminating scenes where the darkness
cries but no one heeds.
No one saves the monster they are far to grotesque
and no one loves a martyr they just lay the soul to rest
and though there is but one parade to say hooray the day is saved
not a mind would think on it if nothing was given away.
Here we are again, the crazy girl within, she’s singing songs
and playing along to whatever dreams let live.
Here we are again it seems lost little willow chasing seams
the tattered remains of broken things
and everything she wanted to believe.
Standing still on top that hill her mountain crumbles forgotten Jill.
Standing still, that crazy girl itches for escape, but when
the world stops she gets kicked off never to be seen again
and this reality it screams to me
like a forgotten dream it seems
that every night before I wake I die in the black and can’t escape.
That crazy girl inside my head she’s screaming soundless
back to bed. The space outside the world it bends
the stars on fire they take my meds and no one knows
just where to go
and everything that sings it glows, and no one
has the time it shows
that crazy girl within is singing every note a silent
screaming, never ending just this day
just continues dreaming.

Bubblegum and candy sweet.

Where the story ends

the river bleeds and death is dead.

Triumph over mastery

and life it seems is but a dream.

Head of clouds and candy cotton

colored veins that seep neurotic

a deep forgotten overload,

a drink that burns the malleable.

Tangible regret that forms the other head

the girl, adorned, that trips on talents read.

In bedroom’s classic draped with mirror bends

and waves of cotton filling up her head

nothing last until its over

the beginning is the end.

Where death and life are but a dream

and we remain forever.

Streaming lies of who she is

a disk, a drip, a feathered whip

nothing is a quantity

and make-up plays lead role supreme

Wonder Woman pant suits clean.

Desperate for the taking plea

a girl with candy coated dreams

pills that make it easy to sleep

a red work blouse and mouse head gleam.

Where the story ends

the river trips and now its dead.

(April 1, 2013)