When the group turns upon itself

When your group
turns on you
whatever will you do?
I’d suggest politely
you should ask a bi or two
see we know how it feels
to be told you are not real
to be told your existence
is harmful
to inclusion and progress
to be told your sexuality
is a fad at very best
we know what it feels like
to be victims of violence
when the perpetrator is
at a safe place you invest in
we know what it feels like
to be completely erased
to have the mother of pride
be overthrown and displaced
we can tell you simply
it’s just a way of life
you do all kinds of good work
but still have to fight to survive
just stiffen that upper lip
and turn to those you love
trust not just the label
but whoever holds you up
bisexuals know the power
in forming your own home
whether in the LGB community
or out there all alone.
So when the group betrays you
ask a bi how to rebuild
just one who hasn’t fallen
to loud minority rule.

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Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.

A few of my favorite things

Shake the cat out of the tree
break the child at the knee
poison the flowers and kill the bees
the truth is in destructions plea
come whatever, come what may
take the opening in grey
wade the chances and take the bribe
burn all the bridges, sell all your pride

When hunger fades

Empty stomach cramps and sings
tells me all about dying
how it feels and where we’ll go
if and when starvation grows
food I need-I’m not recovered
yesterday I ate like normal
now my mouth is dry and closed
if it opens no one really knows
I can’t swallow hardly breathe
death plagues my thoughts
oh woe is me
dramatic to say I can’t eat
though honest to God I’m too weak
crying while I struggle to chew-can’t eat
empty stomach cramps and sings
looking at a full plate I’m dying
looking at a full plate mouth goes dry
looking at a full plate my stomach
goes quiet.

Purpose driven

Sometimes I panic
my world flattens
everything is up
in the air
nothing is certain
I’m guessing it’s worth it
but I’m not even sure
I am here
sometimes I panic
thinking about it
knowing I could lose
my home
but faith says to have it
take the pain and manage
to continue moving on
and know
sometimes in darkness
we fail into this-the distress
that unravels bones
but if you keep moving
watch the improving
the struggle is in keeping
the goal.

Every move you make

Break as they say you see
they have everything you need
now you want more but don’t
have too much you’re gonna choke
everything is far too much
not enough-it’s just your luck
break the borders
break the beds
never have you been misled

Cathy

She’s at the counter again. Counting to ten-can’t stay idle too long or the boss will threaten her job.
She’s tired. This is her tenth day on. She’s been working long days and staying into the night-she needs the money. God, she needs the money.
She’s got a rowdy kid in the booth to her right. Her hands are on the counter-she’s got five more seconds. The kid throws a glass. Had five more seconds. She can’t hear the crash she just moves to pick it up. Robotic. She hates the feeling of the unconscious movement. The fact that she’s been a waitress going on too long now, it truly is automatic.
The mother of the kid catches her attention-she can’t hear a thing. It’s not alarming more of a Peanuts kind of thing-wah wah and all. She’s apologizing, at least, that’s what it looks like. The kid throws a napkin dispenser as her mother gasps in horror of her little angels actions. She continues to apologize then grabs her daughter by the wrist and sits her down.
The waitress sighs with a smile and a nod going to pick it up. She’s thinking it might be good to turn back on the sound now if only she had a choice. Today’s one of those days-there’s no choice.
Sometimes she wonders how the brain works, how days like this happen and how she’s managed to function without hearing the orders. She wonders a lot of things all at once before walking directly into her boss. His mushy barrel chest hitting her entire face. She’s not a small woman, but he’s a rather large, large man.
She backs up. He looks down stern face turns jovial and he laughs “lost again Cathy?” she can hear again. This doesn’t make her happy. She smiles and sighs thinking of what to say, obviously, too slow “that’s alright girl!” he grabs her shoulder, she shrugs, but he doesn’t let go “I need you to go to the back grab some more pies and display’em the new girls they don’t know how to make’em pop like you” she smiles, nods and walks past him as she does he swats her butt. Her face hardens.
The loud noise of the diner surrounds her as she’s reminded she needs this job. All the thoughts constantly working through her mind have found focus. Even if she wanted to fork the man’s eyes out, she just can’t today.
Passing through the double doors to the kitchen she walks toward the refrigerator, enters then quickly exits. “Goddamn it! Can we not fuck where the food is!?” the cooking staff just laughs having watched her walk in, knowing. “Seriously” she huffs stamping back out onto the floor. Shoving passed the double doors mumbling about the state of the world.
She smiles at the customers and nods to the other girls who all have smirks on their naive faces. They all knew who was getting hers from the recently released. She can’t help, but wonder what young girls see in post prison sex. Shaking her head the kid from before is at the register she smiles down at her. The small girl no more than six smiles while slowly raising up her hand displaying a proud middle finger. She smiles bemused and shakes her head.
She’s happier now, thinking that she needs the money for rent and not the parasite she gave up.
She goes back behind the counter starting back at ten peaceful-motherhood is for the birds.

The reason is not nothing

Let me say it
let me speak the words
today’s not a good day
I know it’s absurd
that I’m a mess
the moment I wake up
but let me say the reason
the reason for this fuss
let me say it’s nothing-
nothing material
I’m just having a bad day
a bad day because-
you don’t want to hear it
but it’s more then a feel
some days are just bad days
especially
when you’re mentally ill

Shepard

I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
I have shepherd many flocks
and been left by roadside
I have watched them come
and I have watched them go
speaking as they got the lessons
but never do they know.
I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
guiding those who might have grown
if they had thought to thrive
but I know only of their choices
when they chose to go
I have lived a thousand lives
but never have I known
the kindness of mine own self
the emptiness I’ve sown.