Wrong and dirty

I did you wrong and dirty
played the victim very well
abused the aftermath
and made your world a living hell
but it was all to serve a purpose
selfish as it was
I needed to feel something
living life was just no fun
so I created drama
let myself go quite insane
I remember screaming
that you’d rue the day
you took your love away
left me with a broken heart
and all those other lies
as the truth of all this bullshit
is I was doing just fine
I did you wrong and dirty
played the part so naturally
it was all to serve a purpose
to selfishly let free
all the kept up emotions
regarding the life you’d never see

The way

This isn’t what I wanted
always said that wouldn’t be me
learned that life is funny
and it doesn’t care what you think
you don’t get to choose when you mess up
you don’t get to wash it away
no you have to live with what you’ve done here
you have to live with what you did
even when you were to young
even when you’re too old
you have to live up to memory
you have to reap what you sow
you can’t just keep what you want to believe
pretend that the truth is your own
always said that wouldn’t be me
learned the hard way it’s who I am
can’t take back what I’ve done in life
can’t pretend it’s not bad
all I know is I’m where I am at
where I’d like to go
maybe if I’m wise enough
I just might see the way

All apologies

All apologies spent
words fall to the floor
and I am left with broken glass
that I shattered as I swore
broke the table
threw the wine
I made a mess
the mistake is mine
all apologies aside
there is no reason
nor good rhyme
to tell you how I left behind
the wreckage you now
call a life
I have said so much before
dragged your heart
right through closed doors
broke what beauty once did give
then took it all right back again
I broke the windows
and tore the sheets
all that’s left of me it sleeps
deep within my bad choices
to keep shut lips and sink in sin
no more screaming
let it begin
I have watched myself in flame
dance and burn it’s all the same
I left you in dirty ash
then asked for your hand
your hand I grasp
you have saved me more than once
I burned us both and blew us up
we both broke but you are worse
for all the good I’ve thrown out first
left a visage in your head
of the words the lies I’ve fed
is this what
they call love?
Oh no my self
it’s called giving up
I broke the glass
shattered the sheets
the only good thing I made it bleed
I lost it all
in one quick movement
I break it all
I’ve no excuses
everything comes to a head
all I have is what I fed
broken bones and dirty flowers
this time I could cry for hours
having done this all before
I’ve no more words
apologies or scores
I cannot settle this much I’m sure
I can only bow my head
accept the shame and guilt I bred
I am what they call a coward
I took the easy road
and then I showered
you have given me so much
I do not deserve
but I will not give up
I may have nothing to say
in silence I will grieve my pain
one more story of my own failure
I’ll drink the guilt silence the flavor.

Danger sitting

Danger sitting in the bed
with a grown woman who’s said
I’m a girl in one way or another
this chick ain’t bad just immature
won’t grown up its kinda absurd
act in charge like they work so hard
crying like a child
when they get paid large
don’t know how to act
so they blame men
danger is sitting in bed with them
little girls couldn’t be so damn grown
twenty fucking something years old
danger is letting women be girls
you’ve already grown up
but this time is yours
just so you know it’s silly at best
make your own life
or you’re just making a mess
danger is sitting in bed with women
grown ass adults pretending to be children
this is what we’re left with
this is what we’re given

As the enemy

As the enemy
I cannot breathe today I swear
but you don’t hear me
even though you say you care
and you look through me
you look past and stare in silence
you just move me
stop the dialogue and cut the mood
I mischose but I chose you
and everything falls to my knees
my feet are covered
all these excuses I don’t need
because you don’t care
you don’t care at all so you
you just want to speak silence
looking past me as you often do
as the enemy
I get no say in how I feel
you just forget me
and leave whenever I might spill
I’m allowed so many things
until they come and go at you
if I don’t like it
it’s just the food that I must chew
as the enemy
I’ve got no single defense
because you won’t speak to me
no unless it’s you I offend
you got so much to say
but when I feel because of you
it’s not the truth displayed
because you silenced those words too
as the enemy
I don’t get much to say at all
no I just keep it all along
and in the end it’s still you I want
so I go on
persist as what I am
the enemy
and the one that cannot stand
so here we go again
I’ll smile and nod to you
and you can forget me
and what you are is my excuse.

Coated

Candy coated splatter on my heart
drinking before noon becomes an art
sitting in the backseat of some guy’s car
little edgy girls they fall apart
here they are again a different set
candy coated innocence well bred
drinking in the sun and driving far
little girls all divas in the stars
girlhood starts to die this time tonight
crying is romantic when your high

Almost free

I don’t want to hear it
not like this again
I don’t want to speak the words
screaming loudly in my head
I don’t want to be like this
forever and a day
to cry myself to sleep
while drowning in the rain
I don’t want to hear it
not like this right now
I just want to let go
accept this living hell
know that in the end
I made choices just for me
all of them quite bad
but I made them almost free

Don’t wanna

I don’t wanna wake up
I don’t wanna see the truth
I don’t wanna know right from wrong
or good from bad
I want to go on living under sand
and I want to stop
feel like I’m always ever on top
I don’t wanna wake up
I wanna dream til I believe
I want what’s right now
and what feels good inside of me
I don’t wanna be a grown up
though I’m far too old to make that choice
I don’t wanna know that
I have misused my own voice
oh this is harder
harder than just staying in
I don’t wanna wake up
I’ve already seen where I haven’t been

Pretty lame

I’ve been pathetic
been down right rude
I’m somebody’s broken heart
bet you are too
been the crazy ex girlfriend
and the girl you didn’t label
been everybody’s friend
wound up alone later
I’ve been desperate
and a tool
made mistakes
and really bad choices
everybody’s stories
not exactly the same
but if you think you were cool
you were probably pretty lame

Burning roses

I’m burning roses now
and I ain’t coming down
got no dollar bills
but I’m floating proud
people be looking at me
like I’m so damn lost
but these dreams are happening
no matter the cost
I got my own pen in my hand now
and a voice that I’m using
gonna make my own way
and I’m never pursuing
the past that undid me
when I was living my life
everybody was saying
I was doing it right
had everything wrapped up
in a nice little bow
all my fucking chaos
yeah that shit explode
I can’t do nine to five now
my degree don’t mean nothing
I’m living the life now
that makes me feel something
I’m burning the garden
and feeling so good
you thought that you controlled me
I think you misunderstood
you never did see me
but you took all I had
left me with bad credit
and no fucking cash
had a nervous breakdown
but now I’m not even sad
I’m writing the next chapter
I’m changing the story
you took all I had even the glory
so now I’m crawling upwards
from this dirty floor
everybody might be talking mess
but I’m aiming to soar