I said, you said

You said you couldn’t
I said you shouldn’t
then you did
got caught up
torn apart
and left for dead
said you lost your head
said you need to go to bed
I said you shouldn’t
told you I wouldn’t recommend
you said you couldn’t
then you did it once again
and I said baby
you should’ve learned this lesson well
and now it’s over
sending you straight back to hell
you said you shouldn’t
I shot you right back down to earth
I said you shouldn’t
but you never really learned
and now it’s over
you shouldn’t be surprised
that it still hurts

If I could be

If I could be anyone
who would I be
would I want a new life
so different from me
forget who I am
how I’ve survived
get buried in cash
forget how to act
laugh at the same jokes
cry at the same notes
everything’s brilliant
when you for free
if I could be anyone
who would I be
choose a new body
delicately a new face
do I choose a different
more interesting race?
Should I be a hero or a villainous cad?
should I be a good girl or categorically bad?
If I can’t decide who to be in my life
I don’t know who I’d be
if it was mine too decide
would I have money and sacrifice my life
knowing what I know about the middle of the night
would I have nothing more than I want
a good paying job no debt to pay off
should dreams be simple or unattainably grand
am I a victim of my fantasy plans?

Began

I find myself slipping once again
down to the darkness where this began
alone in this world all by myself
watching the living as they watch the dead
the shadows in light all in their heads
I find myself slipping back into life
thinking of nothing but drinking of strife
I have been here and never again
back to the darkness where this all began

Foolish little girl

The girls they used to sing
about the ones who fell
fell down into the dreams
of the lives they never had
the boys they should have kissed
the ones they wish they didn’t
called them marionettes
always light but oh so critical
of regret and so relatable
the girls they used to sing
foolish little girls
doing such predictable things

So many wrongs don’t right

I’ve been wrong so many times before
blocked myself from going out the door
kept on thinking till my thoughts hurt
lost in the concrete can’t touch earth
drunk off the sediment
drunk off the waste
losing yourself in the display case
like a trophy of iron breaking the shelf
I’ve been caught up been lost to the self
drunk off the ground I find myself in
the coolness of gravel baked into skin
the feeling is breathless
It’s often not good
too drunk off of weakness
too often misunderstood

Wrong and dirty

I did you wrong and dirty
played the victim very well
abused the aftermath
and made your world a living hell
but it was all to serve a purpose
selfish as it was
I needed to feel something
living life was just no fun
so I created drama
let myself go quite insane
I remember screaming
that you’d rue the day
you took your love away
left me with a broken heart
and all those other lies
as the truth of all this bullshit
is I was doing just fine
I did you wrong and dirty
played the part so naturally
it was all to serve a purpose
to selfishly let free
all the kept up emotions
regarding the life you’d never see

The way

This isn’t what I wanted
always said that wouldn’t be me
learned that life is funny
and it doesn’t care what you think
you don’t get to choose when you mess up
you don’t get to wash it away
no you have to live with what you’ve done here
you have to live with what you did
even when you were to young
even when you’re too old
you have to live up to memory
you have to reap what you sow
you can’t just keep what you want to believe
pretend that the truth is your own
always said that wouldn’t be me
learned the hard way it’s who I am
can’t take back what I’ve done in life
can’t pretend it’s not bad
all I know is I’m where I am at
where I’d like to go
maybe if I’m wise enough
I just might see the way

All apologies

All apologies spent
words fall to the floor
and I am left with broken glass
that I shattered as I swore
broke the table
threw the wine
I made a mess
the mistake is mine
all apologies aside
there is no reason
nor good rhyme
to tell you how I left behind
the wreckage you now
call a life
I have said so much before
dragged your heart
right through closed doors
broke what beauty once did give
then took it all right back again
I broke the windows
and tore the sheets
all that’s left of me it sleeps
deep within my bad choices
to keep shut lips and sink in sin
no more screaming
let it begin
I have watched myself in flame
dance and burn it’s all the same
I left you in dirty ash
then asked for your hand
your hand I grasp
you have saved me more than once
I burned us both and blew us up
we both broke but you are worse
for all the good I’ve thrown out first
left a visage in your head
of the words the lies I’ve fed
is this what
they call love?
Oh no my self
it’s called giving up
I broke the glass
shattered the sheets
the only good thing I made it bleed
I lost it all
in one quick movement
I break it all
I’ve no excuses
everything comes to a head
all I have is what I fed
broken bones and dirty flowers
this time I could cry for hours
having done this all before
I’ve no more words
apologies or scores
I cannot settle this much I’m sure
I can only bow my head
accept the shame and guilt I bred
I am what they call a coward
I took the easy road
and then I showered
you have given me so much
I do not deserve
but I will not give up
I may have nothing to say
in silence I will grieve my pain
one more story of my own failure
I’ll drink the guilt silence the flavor.

Danger sitting

Danger sitting in the bed
with a grown woman who’s said
I’m a girl in one way or another
this chick ain’t bad just immature
won’t grown up its kinda absurd
act in charge like they work so hard
crying like a child
when they get paid large
don’t know how to act
so they blame men
danger is sitting in bed with them
little girls couldn’t be so damn grown
twenty fucking something years old
danger is letting women be girls
you’ve already grown up
but this time is yours
just so you know it’s silly at best
make your own life
or you’re just making a mess
danger is sitting in bed with women
grown ass adults pretending to be children
this is what we’re left with
this is what we’re given

As the enemy

As the enemy
I cannot breathe today I swear
but you don’t hear me
even though you say you care
and you look through me
you look past and stare in silence
you just move me
stop the dialogue and cut the mood
I mischose but I chose you
and everything falls to my knees
my feet are covered
all these excuses I don’t need
because you don’t care
you don’t care at all so you
you just want to speak silence
looking past me as you often do
as the enemy
I get no say in how I feel
you just forget me
and leave whenever I might spill
I’m allowed so many things
until they come and go at you
if I don’t like it
it’s just the food that I must chew
as the enemy
I’ve got no single defense
because you won’t speak to me
no unless it’s you I offend
you got so much to say
but when I feel because of you
it’s not the truth displayed
because you silenced those words too
as the enemy
I don’t get much to say at all
no I just keep it all along
and in the end it’s still you I want
so I go on
persist as what I am
the enemy
and the one that cannot stand
so here we go again
I’ll smile and nod to you
and you can forget me
and what you are is my excuse.