What do you mean by honesty?

Am I getting better?
Oh I sound that way it seems
if I answer hello
you interpret what it means
if I wear a smile
it says I’m not depressed
but because it makes you happier
it means I’ve never felt that stress
that if I say I’ve eaten
you take it to mean enough
so when I am a corpse
I guess you’ll say you didn’t know
because even though I told you
you never heard the words
never actually listened
or read a single verse.

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Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.

The mysteries of gender dysphoria

Misinformation is vile
professionalism is dead
all the research you’ve twisted
all the people you’ve misled
with all that psychobabble
and all that ego praise
making gender dysphoria
a product-a ticket to acclaim
it’s actually rather common
though typically is just a phase
it can lead to delusional thinking
if it doesn’t go away
it accounts for outcomes
without twisting data
to add your name
it’s already a subcategory
connected to a state
of anxiety
in all its various forms
it comes with stress,
hormonal changes,
and existing mood disorders
you really do disservice
when you mystify a problem.

A few of my favorite things

Shake the cat out of the tree
break the child at the knee
poison the flowers and kill the bees
the truth is in destructions plea
come whatever, come what may
take the opening in grey
wade the chances and take the bribe
burn all the bridges, sell all your pride

If I notice

If I am here-
if I am here at all
why does it feel
as though my body
my body is this small
I only seem
to feel my flesh
when I try but even then
it disappears time and again
I cannot believe
or even begin to see
how I exist outside of nothing
if I am here
it’s lucky that I notice.

When hunger fades

Empty stomach cramps and sings
tells me all about dying
how it feels and where we’ll go
if and when starvation grows
food I need-I’m not recovered
yesterday I ate like normal
now my mouth is dry and closed
if it opens no one really knows
I can’t swallow hardly breathe
death plagues my thoughts
oh woe is me
dramatic to say I can’t eat
though honest to God I’m too weak
crying while I struggle to chew-can’t eat
empty stomach cramps and sings
looking at a full plate I’m dying
looking at a full plate mouth goes dry
looking at a full plate my stomach
goes quiet.

Purpose driven

Sometimes I panic
my world flattens
everything is up
in the air
nothing is certain
I’m guessing it’s worth it
but I’m not even sure
I am here
sometimes I panic
thinking about it
knowing I could lose
my home
but faith says to have it
take the pain and manage
to continue moving on
and know
sometimes in darkness
we fail into this-the distress
that unravels bones
but if you keep moving
watch the improving
the struggle is in keeping
the goal.

Forgiveness

Breakdown once again
now you’re here and
there you went
broken down and still
forget
forget just how to break
your bread
take it down
throw it out
burn it right down
to the ground
breakdown once again
fall to pieces
always forgive