Like riding a bike

Learning how to eat again
learning how to walk
remember all the times you got
lost inside that talk
when everything feels so secure
like you got it on lock
but now you’re learning how to eat
like it’s something you forgot
everything comes at a head
and now it’s all been lost
learning how to eat again
like learning how to walk

Done with it

Tired of being exhausted
tired of being sick
I look like I am dying
my body has gone limp
everything is hurting
and everything is numb
I’m tired of being sick
and of being always stuck
moving on is difficult
it’s hard to heal and breathe
life is too damn long
I’m tired of being me
keeping it all forward
healing slowly all the time
everything is hurting
but this life is finally mine
tired of being exhausted
but willing to continue on
if I don’t recover
I should go where I belong
willingness to live
becomes my only drink
tired of being exhausted
if I fail it’s death I seek.

Give me bones

Let me at it
let me back in
heal me doctor
make me feel again
I’ve been dying
for better or worse
I’m ready for help now
it’s all a curse
I’m asking for something
something to save me
I know it’s a long road
but I’m ready lately
can’t help but wonder
how much weight I’ve lost
if I am still here
and at what real cost
I’ve been a ghost dear
and I’m ready for flesh
give me some bones here
teach me to walk
let me back at it
I’m ready to stop

Trapt inside the dying

Watching myself
wither away
should I give care
or throw to decay
wonder who would
and why they might matter
watching my body die-
I could be a bit sadder,
I could give care
or try to fight back
but when it keeps coming
it’s exhausting in fact
it can’t be so easy
or it wouldn’t be a problem
but I’m watching myself reach
reach further to the bottom
watching and crying
over something
I loved
if I could give a care
I might get up and run
find that safe place
and lock me away
but I’m watching me wither
my soul can’t escape.

Price per pound

Worth the empty nausea
the pain that comes
with starvation
the feeling you’ll
succumb to death
forget it all
it’s worth all this
the cramps, the vomit-
all the confusion
you’ll feel better
protect the illusion
everything will be
just fine
you’ll get thin
and possibly die
worth the empty nausea
if your corpse is thin enough.

When you ask them not to

Even if you tell them
they’ll never forget to say
You look so good,
so thin, so good-
you look so beautiful-
so damn good.
You’ve lost weight
but have you ate?
Before you answer
just let me say
you’ve never looked
so beautiful
you’ve never looked
so good at all.
You feel better-don’t you?
You feel good-now say it!
Say you feel better-
say you feel good-
don’t you feel healthier-
I knew that you would,
say that you feel good
say you feel better
say you feel great
no matter the case.
You’ve become thinner
so you must be safe
I asked you if you’d eaten
but you didn’t say
I look so good,
so fucking lovely,
didn’t I say
I’m anorexic, honey?

What do you mean by honesty?

Am I getting better?
Oh I sound that way it seems
if I answer hello
you interpret what it means
if I wear a smile
it says I’m not depressed
but because it makes you happier
it means I’ve never felt that stress
that if I say I’ve eaten
you take it to mean enough
so when I am a corpse
I guess you’ll say you didn’t know
because even though I told you
you never heard the words
never actually listened
or read a single verse.

Fat anorexic

Watch the fat girl die,
slowly.
Watch her starve herself
to sleep.
Watch her wither away
to nothing.
And deny that she’d never
eat.
Watch the fat girl fade
most literally,
watch her body die
on repeat.
Nothing grows-
it only sinks in,
but she should be happy
with this new skin.
Watch the fat girl become
what you want to see,
watch her realize
she’s now your thing,
watch her die even more inside
as even her family
cheers for starving tonight
they would argue
but it’s all the same
no new ending-no one’s listening
it’s okay
she’s just a fat girl
anyway.

Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.