The way

This isn’t what I wanted
always said that wouldn’t be me
learned that life is funny
and it doesn’t care what you think
you don’t get to choose when you mess up
you don’t get to wash it away
no you have to live with what you’ve done here
you have to live with what you did
even when you were to young
even when you’re too old
you have to live up to memory
you have to reap what you sow
you can’t just keep what you want to believe
pretend that the truth is your own
always said that wouldn’t be me
learned the hard way it’s who I am
can’t take back what I’ve done in life
can’t pretend it’s not bad
all I know is I’m where I am at
where I’d like to go
maybe if I’m wise enough
I just might see the way

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Almost free

I don’t want to hear it
not like this again
I don’t want to speak the words
screaming loudly in my head
I don’t want to be like this
forever and a day
to cry myself to sleep
while drowning in the rain
I don’t want to hear it
not like this right now
I just want to let go
accept this living hell
know that in the end
I made choices just for me
all of them quite bad
but I made them almost free

Accept it’s over

How do you grow
how do you change
how do you find
the truth about strength
how do you grow
make your own name
if you just curl up
accept death as your fate
cry in a corner
let trauma have it’s due
never get over
don’t heal just take the roots
cut your own wrist
and finish what’s been started
die in the birth
of who you should be
but aren’t yet
how do you become
anything different
if you can’t grow
from what you have dealt with
how do change
become someone stronger
if you just lay down
don’t accept that it’s over?

Where I’ve been

Sometimes I turn my back on
the truth of who I was
how cruel I could be
setting to the floods
I burned bridges and memories
burned it all to the floor
made sure I couldn’t remember
because I didn’t want it no more
I was held up on pedestals
called a goddess and a queen
but then I remember
all the hell that I’d bring
nobody knew me
even when they thought they did
because I didn’t trust them
that’s the way that I lived
sometimes I try my best to forget
like nothing ever happened
before I decided it did
but when I lost everything
even my mind
I saw it all clearly
the choices were mine
I know who I am now
because I know where I’ve been
sometimes I might want to run
but I stand where I am
I’ll grow from the ashes
or I’ll accept that I’ve drowned
I’ll make my own way here
someway somehow
and when sometimes I cry
I’ll know I need to let it out

Take it

Everybody take it
get on your knees and say
thank you for the raping
the violence that you gave
everybody smile
smile for the camera
take what you are given
the satisfying thrill
take it like you wanted it
like you do most everyday
be too afraid to shout out
or ever ever say
this isn’t what I wanted
this is not why I payed
now say thank you to the rapist
the violent and crude
say thank you to your abuser
the ones you gave in to
say thank you for your beating
and remember to smile wide
because you never ever complained
that the price was too very high
everybody take it
get on your knees tonight
you couldn’t get the courage
to either hide or fight
so take what you’ve been given
by living suicide
hang off the noose still breathing
as you pay to slowly die

Smelly and proud

Some people are dumb
some girls are ugly
some boys smell bad
and look rather grubby
some people are fat
and it’s not very attractive
some people are too thin
and they look like an addict
some people are stupid
some women are homely
some men are gross
everybody knows it
but we act like we don’t
and lie to ourselves
pretending it’s okay
while they look in the mirror
just hoping they’d go away
some people are ugly
some people are fat
sometimes it’s not
what you wanna look at it
but being yourself
means owning your flaws
be proud to be you
whether ugly or not
what’s the point of lying
if that’s the face you got
the truth of the matter is
you alive and that’s the plot
be beautiful by being you
don’t be so hard on yourself
if everyone is beautiful
diversity is missing out
own up to who you are
or be a slave to constant doubt

A boy like brother

Let’s get defensive
let’s get mean
let’s talk about reality
you wanna excuse
excuse behaviors
is it cause your brother
or just the new dick savior?
Nicki feeling thirsty
got that cheap on the brain
wants to get defensive
he was just fifteen
forget about the manslaughter
just float on being queen
drag yourself through dirt again
just to prove you real
garbage is a hell of drug
when you pretend to deal
so let’s get defensive
she runs her own life
so we can judge Nicki
for choosing a dud
a register sex offender
because her family is love.

The world lives too

Addicts
they live in the real world
the world doesn’t stop
everybody’s living
and addicts can’t get off
the planet keeps on turning
and nothing goes away
even though you’ve quit
the shelves will still remain
stocked and fully loaded
waiting to be purchased
and consumed
addicts have to live
continue to keep breathing
cannot touch a drop
or grab the substance
that they’re fiending
no they must keep on living
with everybody else
addicts have the problem
not everybody else
do not make excuses
let them live their lives as well
let them know existence
won’t change because of them
addicts must be stronger
and allow the world to turn
you are stronger than
the hunger and the thirst
can’t ask everybody
to give up what you did
they are not the addict
and you have to let them live
whether they’re your friend
husband or your child
they must be allowed
to live as they might want to
it may be a hard
a hard reality to swallow
but part of addiction recovery
is accepting the hard truth
that others don’t have the problems
the issues that you do
and the world will keep on turning
and the shelves will all be stocked
you cannot escape reality
you have to accept the truth
recovery is hard
because the world is living too

Inside Lovato and the bad life coach

I am an artist,
an entrepreneur-
I’m creative
a fucking gift to the world.
I got ideas
and I show my tits on stage.
I feign authenticity
but make excuses out of pain.
I use my illness
and my addictions as a shield.
I use sobriety
as a theme to get a meal-
I am an artist
a philanthropist and more
I’ve got bipolar
and I wield it like a sword.
I’m not recovered
as that takes time and room to heal,
I am just a child
who doesn’t know what it means
to be real.
I’m just a celebrity,
adding titles to my name-
buying indulgences in vain,
and pretending mental illness is a game.
I am an artist
but that’s just an excuse
for being a child, for being rude
for being ill and relapsing too
I’m just too young to accept the truth,
it’s still my fault, but it’s also youth.

When the group turns upon itself

When your group
turns on you
whatever will you do?
I’d suggest politely
you should ask a bi or two
see we know how it feels
to be told you are not real
to be told your existence
is harmful
to inclusion and progress
to be told your sexuality
is a fad at very best
we know what it feels like
to be victims of violence
when the perpetrator is
at a safe place you invest in
we know what it feels like
to be completely erased
to have the mother of pride
be overthrown and displaced
we can tell you simply
it’s just a way of life
you do all kinds of good work
but still have to fight to survive
just stiffen that upper lip
and turn to those you love
trust not just the label
but whoever holds you up
bisexuals know the power
in forming your own home
whether in the LGB community
or out there all alone.
So when the group betrays you
ask a bi how to rebuild
just one who hasn’t fallen
to loud minority rule.