What I want

When I look into your eyes

I see a dozen lives,

 all of them involving mine.

With white covered lace rippling down my waist,

A heart covered glass and my sins replaced.

Oh, but I don’t need your glory

I don’t need your hand.

All I want is freedom

I don’t need a man.

What I want is a life worth dreaming

   Life worth giving more.

I don’t want your heart so bleeding

   Dirtying my floor.

I don’t need your soul for mine

I don’t need your ring

Just give me arms about my waist

Give the flesh I need.

Comfort in this nights embrace,

A kiss to go to sleep

Lets play pretend let our hearts bend

Blending always free

Cause I don’t need your love

I don’t need forever

Don’t turn my life around

No happily ever after

No kiss to break the spell

I don’t need your wedding bells

Chapel hell.

I don’t need your sweets

No roses at my feet

No forever after scene

I don’t need your kiss

I don’t need your heart

I’m not the answer to prince charming

I’m just killing time.

All I want is your affection

All I want is your body in mine.

(March 18 2012)

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Nothing is the better

When perfect isn’t perfect,

and enough is just too late

wondering if settling is up

or if true love’s off this plate.

When passions curse the aged together

and together feels like ease,

nothing simple is ever safe,

it just feels like another disease.

A cancer to the lungs, a smoking cough

to set it off

everything is just so right

but its all simmering with no hot.

And when you look at all you wanted

you see his face

you wonder if this wonder-lust

is just a wonder-safe.

Something lacking melody but imbued with

simple chants

that rhyme you with their marigolds

and stick you with their flats.

There never seems to be a charge to push you to your end

a crisis never reached only seldom-ly  in bed.

When touch can kiss the skin send ice right through its core

a trap is set through windows pouring out

Romances door.

And every rhyme you’ve ever felt is cold to hearts own game

because romance has flattened out

it needs another refrain.

For when it reaches climax you seem to come redone

and find yourself so simple,

so easy

so much in love.

But love would rather swelter where you sit in this pot

it’d rather reach you to a boil

while you bubble in your spot.

And while you sit their soaking up

all marry rhymes and shelters

passion dies, romance it flies and nothing is the better

(March 12 2012)

Tobacco and wine

I’ve got myself a new vice,

feels like fire and ice.

Bubbling and fade, misted smoke overrated.

I’ve got myself a new dream

made with lots of whipped cream

troubled and free, a triple timed Identity.

I’ve got myself a new vice

its like liquor pure nice.

A cigar in my hand and another seedy plan

oh I’m free now

breaking out the mold, how?

Tripping off the bridge and flowing right down.

I’ve got myself a new spine

rippled down and divine

a light that’s over my mind

and I’m flying high.

I’ve got myself

I’ve got myself

I’ve got my cigar in hand

and I’m thinking mad

like a hatter with a knife

I’m dreaming in tides

feeling moons pull so right.

I’ve got myself a dying wish

to make myself a fish

swimming in the sky, light drifted so fine.

And here I am vice in hand music in my head

and I’m off to take a stand.

Not a simple butterfly my life is lived

in crushing hides, a moth to feed off light and bliss

like a sand man kissing off eye lids.

Drifting down the flame and gore I’m signing out

finding how.

Like a phoenix with a pipe so high

lost up in water filled skies breathing clouds left and right.

I’ve got a new vice, a killing stick by design.  

I’ve got a new vice and I’m kicking now

fully alive.

(October 20 2012)

When the world ends.

And there was a world of possibility in this hell she lived, in this abyss of flesh and walls.

Dancing above the discarded waste, she swayed, she swayed to the freedom of foul smelling air.

Animal, beast, desperate wretch, lips painted with blood still fresh. The thirst thrust upon her

through yearning, longing, blasphemous desires. Whore caged and tortured, deranged and medicated.

Forgotten in the wreckage of days material long gone and spent.

Upon the scorched decay stood still. Savage.

The orange light of the dying sun shone clear over her ever changing flesh. Rebirth burnt its last remains.

True form and beauty let loose in reality of the feral nature near destroyed.

Natural violence through passion and flesh. Fire that courses like wind through

veins boiling the blood that thickens and feigns.

And there she stood, the only living soul, chest beating deeply, heart left to moan.

Eyes miraculous, glowing, wet with dew. As the beast is set free.

No bars, no walls. Free in the death, the burnt remains of suffocation, derogation, manipulation of the senses.

Dancing in the waste burning outward to deface the body once captured, once object-formed and standard.

Swayed she sways to the explosion of veins, to the remarkable chains, setting flesh to flame.

Cured of restriction ash falls from the skies once a danger like acid, like pills to the mind.

She dances in grace, in full form, and lace, she screams to the stars her lungs fit to burst.

Exploding like a match, heart swells with passion.

The animal, the creature, the truth and its master.

(September 14 2012)

Shepard

I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
I have shepherd many flocks
and been left by roadside
I have watched them come
and I have watched them go
speaking as they got the lessons
but never do they know.
I have lived a thousand lives
none of which were mine
guiding those who might have grown
if they had thought to thrive
but I know only of their choices
when they chose to go
I have lived a thousand lives
but never have I known
the kindness of mine own self
the emptiness I’ve sown.

 

The dissociated brain

Have you ever felt
inside out?
Backwards and forth
like someone else.
Ever looked at him
and thought that is me
felt the utter horror
of not existing
replace all your thoughts
with what his could be?
Just have to shake it off
no point in listening
it’s just your fucking mind
not reality
but this won’t move aside
no it’s meant to be
can’t hold this in sight
I’ve let go of me.
All these symptoms collide
and his face takes over me
he’s just handing me my change
but I’ve become a he
if I don’t break this hold
I might end up in ward b-reality
it chokes on my brains news feed.
I cannot keep up with these
thoughts you see
reality is not something meant to be
it’s quite tiresome you see
I can go a long way just to breathe
but the scenery becomes a bit of paint
and every interaction is unsafe
I may walk away fighting your face
thoughts of living your life in your place-
my reality in space, no memories or piece
of who I might be.
Have you ever lived your life this way?
I have to be aware to stop the pain
exhausted though I am
I will remain.

Ode to bisexuals

Ode to bisexuals
who are never harmed
by stereotypes
or jokes taken too far.
To the ones
who don’t notice the hate
in your stare
for not noticing
the disdain in the air.
Ode to bisexuals
the picky and proud
to the ones who play stereotypes
and the ones who aren’t bound.
Ode to bisexuals
who don’t get harassed
though what you’ve been through
should be defined as that.
Ode to bisexuals
the erased and abused
to all of those who
have been beaten and used.
To the ones the community
just up and forgot
unless they remember to fling
hate at our lot.
To the ones who have loved, lived
and have thrived.
To the ones who
didn’t make it out alive.
Ode to bisexuals
who believe in themselves
no matter what the rest say
you know you’re valid as well
never forget that your stories matter.
Ode to bisexuals
and always remember:
you aren’t gay enough-
you don’t even have to try,
no passing privilege-
you are just bi, bi, bi.

I wore pants to church

I remember the days
when I had to wear a skirt to pray
those jumpers my dismay
but I wore them to school anyway.
I remember the days
confused by what I saw
not even four foot tall
not sold on what I was taught
one day I just woke up
saw it for what it was
and said I’d had enough.
I remember the day
I wore pants to pray
the nuns stopped me in my tracks
but I never once looked back
told them to call my parents
my mother on their side-the merits
of properly dressed females
but my father stood by my details
told him of my discomfort
that I refused injustice
that I would pray in pants
and he told them again my stance.
I remember the days
that I knelt down to pray
God on my shoulder always leading the way.
I remember the days-
Catholic memories
of standing up to nuns
and living comfortably.
I remember the days
only a little girl at play
when I changed the system
never needing permission
just God’s little vixen.

freedom in nothing

Everything is broken
nothing here is right
there really is no certainty
but we sleep at night
awake without eyes open
pockets empty too
I’m not sure what I’m doing
but at least one thing is true
that everything is broken,
poor and rusted through
I’ve torn my heart right open
and found a home with you.

American Benefits

I don’t have a drug problem
I don’t have a baby
what I have are bills to pay
with no assistance to save me.
I pay into benefits
they don’t offer me anyway.
I am not a junkie or a single mom
if I were today most my problems would be gone
if I came illegally or was a refugee
the government would provide me
money to get onto my feet
but I have lived a good life
I’ve been responsible
I gave my life to social work
but could be without a home
I have worked my whole to make it comfortable
I have given up my mind
and now I’m on my own.
Never thought my country
would turn out not to be my home
a place where all my labor
turns out to be on loan
for someone very different
to make it all their own.
No, I have lived a good life
but now I’m on my knees
there is nothing left in a country
filled with thieves
we protect all others
leaving good citizens to bleed.