Take the heels off

Who are you
to tell me I’m wrong?
That I need to
take my heels off,
that I don’t have choices
because I choose wrong
even if you don’t know my reasons
you say to take my heels off.
Who are you
to tell me I don’t know the truth?
that I don’t know where heels come from
or the health effects from use?
I don’t need to explain
I don’t need to waste my time
but since you know what’s right for me
why not be honest with me, alright?
Tell me you don’t want my voice,
that my choices are wrong,
that you feel empowered enough
to dictate the way I walk,
explain to everyone that we
we have been brainwashed
that only you have awaken fully
and the rest of us
just need to take our heels off.

What my mother taught me

What my mother taught me;

how to be afraid,
how to distrust everyone,
how to clean the sink,
how to be quite weak,
how to lie and cheat,
how to manipulate-
everything I learned
she demonstrated on me,

how to break a heart,
how to tear myself apart,
that she is better than
I could ever comprehend
because she struggled so
and I would never know,
how to get a man
that was her great plan,
clean and keep a house
my mother taught me well,

how to steal the show,
make my pain grow slow,
and throw it in the face
of even my professed faith,
because my mother struggled
she never did grow up
my mother taught me many things
and many things she stole
I became a lot of things
and then I removed her from my soul.

The last thing my mother taught me
the last lesson I let her teach-
how to let go of demons
and leave the devil where she be.

Fat anorexic

Watch the fat girl die,
slowly.
Watch her starve herself
to sleep.
Watch her wither away
to nothing.
And deny that she’d never
eat.
Watch the fat girl fade
most literally,
watch her body die
on repeat.
Nothing grows-
it only sinks in,
but she should be happy
with this new skin.
Watch the fat girl become
what you want to see,
watch her realize
she’s now your thing,
watch her die even more inside
as even her family
cheers for starving tonight
they would argue
but it’s all the same
no new ending-no one’s listening
it’s okay
she’s just a fat girl
anyway.

Due process

Suicide is complicated
suicide is hard
we put blame on partners
on bullies and on scars
everybody’s part of
the problem we can’t solve
when we name the monster
the monster is us all
everybody’s party
to the death that we have seen
especially Rose McGowan
who deflects blame
though we can see
everything affects
the choice of suicide
you can blame mental illness
but it’s not just one reason to why
everything’s connected
everything’s me too
it’s why we blame school bullies
and the partners that abuse
it’s not just isolated
to one reason or maybe two
suicide is complicated
suicide is hard
especially when you’re claiming
you’re the Bravest of us all.

Down the rabbit hole

Once forever
you said never
fell right down
the rabbit hole
once forever
you did weather
all the bitterness
of cold
you said never
falling down
that freezing
rabbit hole
but once forever
never let her
ever, ever
let go.

When the group turns upon itself

When your group
turns on you
whatever will you do?
I’d suggest politely
you should ask a bi or two
see we know how it feels
to be told you are not real
to be told your existence
is harmful
to inclusion and progress
to be told your sexuality
is a fad at very best
we know what it feels like
to be victims of violence
when the perpetrator is
at a safe place you invest in
we know what it feels like
to be completely erased
to have the mother of pride
be overthrown and displaced
we can tell you simply
it’s just a way of life
you do all kinds of good work
but still have to fight to survive
just stiffen that upper lip
and turn to those you love
trust not just the label
but whoever holds you up
bisexuals know the power
in forming your own home
whether in the LGB community
or out there all alone.
So when the group betrays you
ask a bi how to rebuild
just one who hasn’t fallen
to loud minority rule.

Co-occurring illnesses

and I might die tonight
not likely but kidneys might
might go out or fail somehow
maybe my liver just gives out
haven’t eaten well in months
can’t swallow food
it takes too much
all my faculties have stopped
at least the ones
that turns hunger on
everything tastes so vivid
my tongue recoils
bile begins if
if I don’t swallow and cover my mouth
hold it all in just choke it right down
don’t start to cry
you’ll never get finished
won’t even start
the food will go cold
but you’ve no longer a stomach
a hunger or a soul
and I might just die from malnutrition
it’s not really likely
but it won’t be my decision
Ana has taken the fork from my hand
if I can’t recover this fight is done man
I fought through depression
but the battles never won
if it’s not one thing it’s another symptom.

Team Female

Don’t say the name
play the guessing game
believe the first to speak
don’t review actions or think
believe the one who states
the most emotional case
don’t think manipulation
don’t think material gains
forget revenge exist
and don’t believe
Chris Hardwick.

Peanut M&M’s

I’ve been eating M&M’s
trying to stop the pain again
my stomach cramps
my body wails
I’ve tried to eat
my mouth it fails
cannot chew
or think to swallow
tears they well
and I feel hollow
empty but so deeply filled
these stomach pains I hardly feel
everything comes to a close
these M&M’s they keep me whole
while I struggle just to eat
the candy coated chocolate
keeps me on my feet
I’ve been eating very little
mostly nothing
but I still will though
striving for a better life
a time where food won’t make me cry
when I can swallow and eat again
like a normal person
who actually wants to live.

Universal graveyard

Blue blooded cosmos
stars lost in lungs
broken down marrow
just because
red hot revival
heart tissue tears
releasing the secrets
kept in the hair
tangled and bloodied
attached to the spine
blue blooded cosmos
the stars have all died.