A form of medication

Say it again
say that you need me
say that I’m here for a reason
say that I’m worth it
that I do deserve it
because I can’t feel real without it
say it again
say it for me
say it until I believe

Advertisements

public shaming

Pray to the demons
you’ve nothing left
grace is beyond you
or so you’ve said
you find no fault here
though tears do well
nightmares plague you
you’re trapt in hell
so why not now drown
and show your hand
you’re only as powerful
as the mob you’ve fed

Friendly kind of virus

Take me
take me in to you
let me loose
within your mind
you’ll find in time
I’ll soothe
every wound
you cannot heal
every demon left to kill
the light behind
those dying eyes
take me as your sacrifice
I will find the damage done
heal you with the use of tongue
break your bones and drain your will
do you even know how healing feels?

Indulgence

Oleander kisses
lollipop tongues
everything is brilliant
when it’s over done
indulge in what is tasty
sugar high times nine
dive into addictions
get lost inside the high

Collectively ill

We’ve chosen sides
we love divides
a generation’s worth
of self loathing and hurt
everybody’s just another victim
the game here is that no one
wants to fix them
everybody loves their bitter memories
we cling to a polarized history
and drown ourselves in sorrows
a cynical tomorrow-a future bathed in blood
and tragedy
everybody loves all the mayhem and fun
caused by unnecessary horror
we pretend it’s much worse than before
that even the good should abhor
but we’ve chosen sides
we love to divide
so the lies we believe just bring comfort
don’t want to wake up-just continue to sleep
the world is on fire but our beds are warm
we love choosing sides
and playing victims
because playing at life is entertaining
realizing you’re dying is just aging
and nobody likes wrinkles anyways

merry-go-round

Round and round and round we go
the music traps,the mirrors show
the faces beyond that grace bestowed
the truth behind the mask you bemoan
everything you ought to be
everything your purpose bleeds
round and round and round you’ll see
everything that’s meant to be
everything that’s out of reach
the music traps, the mirrors show
the nightmare kept-you’ve no control
Merry-go-round and round and round
it never stops
you can’t come down.

Don’t look up

I wake up terrified.  My heart is pounding in my chest. Everything feels dangerous. The sheets feel incredibly smooth-too smooth, too soft! I’m panicking-I know I’m breathing, but I can’t breathe-no air is getting through! That’s insane-but I can’t calm down. My heart, my heart is beating rapidly in my ears. I’m dizzy. So, dizzy…

Everything goes black. Everything goes black. I feel like I’m falling like my whole body is weightless. I’m falling, or maybe I’m floating, flying? Everything is black there’s nothing, but a feeling, a feeling best described as falling down. I want to scream, but there is no want, just feeling, and I feel I may have no lungs. As I fall a large hand grabs me true black in the darkness that surrounds. I feel fingers and a thumb, my chest pressed up against a palm-is this dying? No one ever described it quite like this, but now I’m falling up. Everything is still black-do I have eyes?

Fathump.

Blankets swallow her whole as she crashes gently into the mattress sinking deep into the bedframe before slowly rising up again.  She’s in her nightgown-is this my nightgown? It has to be. “It has to be…” she breathes still in the state of dreaming. She looks around her room-this is my room, right? Of course it is, but she shakes her head still bewildered by the state of affairs.  Some dreams are deep.  “Some dreams… are fucking intense” she sighs. That’s not what I said.  ”What?“ she gasp hand over her mouth. Looking around she sees nothing out of the ordinary, her room, it’s just her room.  The pictures on the wall all recently hung up-oh that’s right! “I moved… duh… silly me… ” shaking her head, she’s smiling everything again makes sense.

She sits up her feet falling into plush slippers, wiggling her toes she feels amazing! Stretching her arms, reaching for the ceiling, she groans “what a strange dream…” Getting up she moves towards her new closet it has sliding white wood panels as doors, two, that go one way. She opens it slowly, for some reason, hesitate. She shakes her head once more. Her hair moving, the tips waving side to side, she inhales deeply and opens the door the sound of the panels moving on the runners startling.

Once open she stands still, her eyes wide “these aren’t my clothes” she’s seeing every color she dislikes.  She doesn’t usually wear pastels, but she loves them now. “But I love…” she stops, zoning out lost in the pastel rainbow of properly hung clothing. Her hands are shaking. She backs away from the closet walking abruptly to her desk, it is her desk. This isn’t my stuff! Her heart is racing, hands still trembling, but she is examining her things. There’s a notebook with a list of Things To Do Today she begins to read, breathing slowly, though her heart is still racing.

“Neighbors?” she exhales. “That’s right I’m going to meet the neighbors with-”

“Good morning my beautiful wife!” her husband Thomas interrupts with his usual cheerful morning grin.

She turns quickly, backing into the desk with a jolt, her heart is still racing after all she’s scared, but she doesn’t know why. This man is her husband.

“This who are you!?“ she shouts irrationally.

He frowns, saddened by the behavior “are you not feeling well?” he takes a step forward, cautiously, hands out hoping to reassure her. She backs further into the desk, eyes wide, heart still racing. “Baby, it’s me” he insist softly “it was all a dream.” He’s right it was all a dream.

How’s he know about the dream!?

Taking another step forward he reminds her softly “I’m your husband. We’ve been married five years”. She jumps toward the closet “honey! Come on!” he’s starting to get frustrated. This guy is not equipped for this.

“I don’t have a husband!” She’s always despised the idea of marriage.  He lunges toward her. She jumps on the bed. She’s acting feral.

“You’re acting feral!” he shouts as two small children run in.

“Mommy!” they say in unison. Both smiling, arms extended toward their loving mother.

She kicks towards them! “Ah! Ew! Get away from me! I fucking hate kids!” her face is twisted in a sour grimace. The children begin to cry their father rushing to their side questing why she would hurt them so, but all she can hear is the blood rushing through her heart.  

Leaping off the bed she flees from the room, still clutching her To Do list in her right fist. She runs down the carpeted stairs, her choice. She screams while flying “I hate carpet!” through the front door she runs to the edge of the asphalt.

Seeing her neighbor Janet watering her lawn to her right. She is frozen. Hey legs unable to move she looks at the list it’s number three-visit the neighbors.

Janet interrupts her thoughts “are you okay?” she grabs her gently by the shoulders, leaning down to make eye contact, “did you just look up for the first time?” she smiles brightly laughing until she realizes this girls not laughing with her. Janet’s smile fades “oh. Come with me”

“What..”she slowly moves her head to look up.

Janet pulls her by the left arm jolting her attention from the sky “don’t do that” she changes panic to her usual cheerful smile “just give me a moment, just wait.” Janet smiles and inhales deeply as a breeze rushes past them. Blowing all manner of fallen autumn leaf around them, picking up her nightgown, nearly dragging it with it. Opening her eyes slowly Janet exhales “better. Your names Michelle, you just moved in. Why don’t you come inside for a cup of coffee” Janet’s smiling, pulling gently on Michelle left hand, nodding her head reassuringly.

Michelle? Yeah… that’s-no that’s not right.. My… what’s my name? She follows, but she still appears distraught. Her heart is still racing after all. Once they reach the doorway she’s startled by what she sees, Janet’s front door is a deep orange red and is framed by a lush purple trim, flourished elegantly. Janet turns back towards her still holding her left hand, her smile open showing teeth and tongue, her head is nodding.

“Come Michelle, come inside, we’re going to have a nice visit.” Michelle begins to follow once again as she is led inside to the parlor. The walls inside are the same orange red, deep as the door, but the elegantly flourished trim, which runs throughout the house both bottom and top, is white. What the fuck is going on?! Janet sits her down, back to the window, on the pleasantly patterned loveseat and sits across just slightly off center to the left. Michelle looks down at the To Do list why the fuck would one be ‘get up’ and two be ‘eat breakfast’-

Janet interrupts the silence. Michelle looks up with a jolt, eyes wide, heart still racing it appears. “Michelle-your name is Michelle now. Don’t you remember?” Janet’s smile is gone, her brow is furrowed in worry. Michelle shakes her head. “You don’t recall your children, or husband?” again she shakes her head. Janet sighs “so strange… so very strange” she sighs “well” leaning over she pulls out a photo album “first we look here, and then you’ll run outside whether I try to stop you or not, okay?” Michelle shakes her head in confusion her brows now furrowed as well “or warn you-just look” she opens the photo album the sound of plastic slowly coming apart startles the air, their ears tingling with the static it causes. Placing the heavy book before her on the wooden coffee table she sits back, nervous.

Michelle stares wide eyed at Janet for a moment before slowly leaning over the photo album. She can smell the plastic, she can feel it in her nostrils as she inhales sharply.

Looking up at Janet her eyes filled with disbelief she rapidly returns to the photos what… she begins furiously flipping the pages of the album what!? She flips page after page her eyes growing wider,  all she can hear is her heart pounding. Leaping from the loveseat she rushes to the edge of the asphalt looking up into the sky that is cloudy and grey.

Shielding her eyes with her right arm, her head thrown back, she gazes into the sky as the wind picks up. Autumn leaves begin to rush around her legs, a hurricane picking up underneath her nightgown. The wind clears the sky, but instead of blue she sees black. No, no, not black. She looks closer squinting as the objects move, eyes blink, one head shakes, she’s watching us.  Eyes wide, heart racing, she collapses on the floor. 


whispers

I guess it’s nothing
nothing but the bottom
the bottom of the hole we dug
given up-have we begun?
I don’t have the answer yet
but I will smile
and I will forget
then it comes-another day
everything’s fine-I am okay.

Runner

It’s not that I don’t matter
it’s rather ever after
the simple things we do
not enough of you
everything is twisted
still they manage to miss it
cancer in remission
still you abuse the system
crush those drugs for honey
the world never saw you coming
you just kept on running
look at where you are now.

Mirror of what came before

It’s the same
and yet
yet so completely
different
not again
but similar
still leaves my mind
searching for words
now
now that everything
is different
but all the same
old wounds
do not forget
the pain all in my skin
memory of flesh
but then
this time
it’s completely different
like night and day
but still we miss
everything
we want to forget
memories
under our skin
finger nails
and on our neck
makes the differences
seem
nonexistent.