Life in crisis

I have lost a lot of things
some small like keys, and books and rings,
but nothing seems too matter these days not after I lost my sanity.
I once was ethical, successful and proud-all my dreams coming around.
Then my illness worsened again
another crisis induced by stress.
Having dedicated my life to what I love best-helping others lost in this mess.
Losing reality, losing my calm, no longer in control of any of my thoughts.
I stepped away so no one got hurt
not just burnt out but seriously disturbed.
I have lost a lot of things,
like a career that took a degree,
a mother, a life, and family-
coming to terms is so fucking daunting,
so unimportant all of those damn dreams.
Came so close to killing this shell
thought about it no pause for help,
during a panic-
when did I start hitting myself?
Can’t stop the thoughts of putting me down
planned it time and time again
but here I am
still breathing.
I have lost a lot of things
sacrifice a vice to me-that
I would offer blood and teeth
for a stranger just to eat.
But in this time of dark mindset
I found out what true love really is
freedom from former ignorance
a new respect for the silence.
Freedom isn’t in a check
and though love isn’t all you need-can’t get by without money-everything is up to me.
I found freedom in my fall
I lost everything friends and all
but what was left in the wreckage
was a new respect for letting myself live.
I’m still broken, crisis ridden
my mind maze bound-sick and twisted.
I have lost a lot of things some small, some large, some in between
but what’s been left in all this wreckage?
A freedom from what’s been expected.


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